Today i received this. love it
Short and sweet cannibal joke
Did you know cannibals don’t exist anymore… I ate the last one yesterday
What’s Yoda’s last name?
Layheehoo
A monk joins a monastery…
…and he’s only allowed to say two words every ten years After the first decade, he goes to the father to say his two words Monk: “bed hard” Father: “okay, I’ll make some changes” Another decade goes by and the monk sees the father Monk: “food bad” Father: “okay, I’ll made some changes” After a third decade, the monk sees the father again Monk: “I quit” Father: “good, because all you’ve done is bitch since you got here”
I haven’t spoken to my wife in 3 weeks
I didn't want to interrupt her
My brother said, “What rhymes with Orange”
I told him no it doesn’t
When dad died he left me his Subaru.
It was his final Legacy.
There are three people on a boat, all smokers. They have a total of four cigarettes, but no matches. How do they manage to smoke?
They throw one of the cigarettes overboard, and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
A guy with a “Baby on Board” sticker just backed out of a parking spot and directly hit my car.
This guy has serious issues with pulling out.
I was putting the outlet cover back on the wall while my wife was working at the computer with her back to me…
She said “what are you doing? What is that noise?” I said “I’ve been screwing around behind your back.” She whipped around in shock and saw me, screwdriver in hand, screwing in the outlet cover. I found it way more entertaining then she did.
A Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar …
and it doesn't.
I thought taking a job as a ski instructor would be great.
But it really went downhill fast.
Asked me girlfriend if I was the only one she’d ever been with
She replied “yes, the rest were nines and tens”
Did you hear about the archaeologist that got arrested?
His career is now in ruins.
My wife asked me “Where’d you learn to make ice cream so well?”
Me: “Sundae School.”
What did the copper say to the scientist who was going back home
Cu Tips of to my classmate for telling me this
Masturbation is a touchy subject…
…whereas oral sex is a matter of taste.
What does a pregnant teenage girl and her baby have in common?
They're both thinking "Oh shit, my mom is gonna kill me."
I couldn’t help but smile as the infant-ry marched on the capitol.
There's nothing cuter than a babies' coup.
I put my phone under my pillow last night.
When I woke up it was gone and there was a £1 coin in it's place. Fucking Bluetooth Fairy! Edit: Thank you kind redditer for the Gold.
What’s the fastest liquid on earth?
Milk. Its pasteurized before you can see it
OH NO NO NO NO
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy. "Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife." "That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit." "That'll be me then," said Paddy.
How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair?
Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.
We’ll we’ll we’ll…
if it isn't autocorrect?
Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!
Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad. I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything. Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant. In the end the iron straightened me out as she said everything will be fine, no situation is too pressing. The vacuum was very unsympathetic… told me to just suck it up, but the fan was more optimistic and hoped it would all soon blow over! The toilet looked a bit flushed when I asked its opinion and didn’t say anything but the door knob told me to get a grip. The front door said I was unhinged and so the curtains told me to ……..yes, you guessed it …..pull myself together
I went to a general store.
They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.
What did the baby corn say to the momma corn?
Where's pop corn?