Today I saw a bunch of horses running in circles so fast that they were destroying the field.
It was a torneighdo.
Why did Adolf Hitler yell at the waiter ?
He hated the juice.
They say dress for the job you want, not the job you have
My boss still didn’t think a spacesuit was “appropriate work attire”.
I accidentally drank some food colouring yesterday…
I'm alright, but I think I dyed a little inside.
A dude walks into a restaurant and says,
"Where's the fucking manager you cock-sucker?" The host is surprised and replies, "Excuse me, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can." The manager comes over and the dude asks, "Are you the fucking manager of this shit joint?" "Yes, sir, I am," replies the manager, "and I would prefer it if you could refrain from swearing in this restaurant." "Fuck off!" replies the dude. "And where's the fucking piano?" "What?" says the manager. "Fucking deaf are we? You little piece of shit, show me your fucking piano." "Oh, you're here for the pianist job. Can you play any blues?" says the manager showing the dude the piano. "Of course I fucking can," and the guy plays the most inspiring and beautiful blues that the manager has ever heard. "That's good, what's it called?" "I want to fuck your wife on the couch but the springs keep hurting my balls," replies the pianist. The manager is disturbed but asks if he knows jazz. So he proceeds to play the best jazz solo the manager has ever heard. "Great!" cries the manager. "What's it called?" "I wanted to fuck your daughter but she's still at school." The manager gets angry but asks if he knows any ballads, he then plays the most heartbreaking melody. "And what's this called?" asks the manager. "As I fuck her under the stars, the moonlight shines off her hairy pussy," he replies. The manager is upset but offers him the job if he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers. This arrangement works well for a little bit, until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde the dude has ever seen. She's wearing a see through dress and her tits are falling out the top. She is sitting there with her legs wide open, staring at him. It's too much for him so he runs off to the restroom to yank one out. He's pulling away furiously when he hears the manager yell "Where's that pianist!?" He just has time to cum and then he runs back to the piano, not having bothered to adjust himself right, sits down and starts playing his music. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear: "Do you know your cock is hanging out of your pants and dripping jizz on your shoes?" "Know it," he replies, "I fucking wrote it!"
My Communist girlfriend is a real psycho….
How in the world did I miss all the red flags?
I used to hate facial hair
But then it grew on me
Guy at a grocery store: Are those genetically modified eggplants?
Store worker: Why do you ask? Eggplant: Yeah, why do you ask?
If I’m being subjective, the greatest sci-fi show of all time is Dr. Who.
If I’m being objective, it is Dr. Whom.
In honor of tonight’s Lotto, one of my favorite jokes to tell.
A deeply religious man, whom I will call Dave, finds himself in dire financial trouble. He prays earnestly to his God to help him out of his predicament. "God, I'm about to lose my car. Please help me. Let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes, but sadly, Dave is not the winner. Things go from bad to worse. Without a car to get to work, Dave loses his job. Without a job, his mortgage is foreclosed on, and he loses his home. Without a home, his wife leaves him, taking the kids. After each horrible step in the mounting crisis, he pleads with God to let him win the lottery, but he never does. Finally, broke, hungry, living on the street, he tries again. "God, please, my life is a wreck. I have no car, no home, no family. Please let me win the lottery just this once so that I can turn my life around. I beg you." Suddenly, a flash of light comes from the sky, and the voice of God echoes down from the heavens. "Dave, meet me halfway, buy a fucking ticket."
I’ve seen a meteor shower,
but never seen a meteor take a bath.
Why do atheists struggle with exponents?
They don’t believe in a higher power.
Why couldn’t the computer take its Hat off?
Because it had its CAPS LOCK on.
You serve alcohol at a party no one bats an eye
I serve laxatives at one and everyone loses their shit
What does a pregnant teenage girl and her baby have in common?
They're both thinking "Oh shit, my mom is gonna kill me."
Why did Costco stop selling 5 gallon jars of pickles?
shelving them was cucumbersome
It is actually difficult to figure it out nowadays
It is actually difficult to figure it out nowadays
The girl I just started dating told me she is Russian
I told her I think we should take things slowly
I didn’t understand why some people are into incest porn
then I remembered that taste is relative.
How do you console Thanos when he’s upset?
Bruh, Just Snap out if it
How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse Code
I just saw my friend accidentally take Viagara when he meant to take Ambien.
He’ll be up all night.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band…
But I quit as it was just one ting after another…
If all ‘t’s were silent…
…we'd never hear the end of it.
I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
Bert says to Ernie “Would you like some some icecream?”
Ernie replies "Sherbert."
What do you say to your sister when shes crying?
Are you having a crisis?
I used to be addicted to soap
But I'm clean now
I absolutely support any scientific effort to create an invisibility cloak.
I just want to make myself clear.