Today I saw an ad that said “radio for sale, $1, volume is stuck at max level”
I thought, well I just can’t turn that down
Having gay parents must suck
You either have to live with twice the number of dad jokes or you get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mum."
What is the strongest cereal brand?
Shredded wheat.
Pilot left his microphone on.
After take off pilot accidentally left his microphone on and said to his Co pilot ' Now I just want a cup of coffee and a blowjob'. An air hostess ran to tell him to switch off his microphone. When someone from the passengers shouted 'He asked for a cup of coffee too'.
If I had to rate our solar system,
I'd give it one star.
I received a letter the other day saying my tax return was ‘outstanding’.
Although it's lovely to receive such high praise from HMRC, to be honest I can't even remember sending one in.
Two antennas on a roof fell in love and got married. The wedding wasn’t much..
But the reception was incredible!
Did you notice that people started taking the looters & rioters seriously once New York was hit?
Probably because everyone knows where the Big Apple is, but not where the Minneapolis.
Conservatives would have cheered for rise of The Empire and the fall of Liberty.
https://ift.tt/2ZoEPvJ
I want to hear 99 people sing ‘Africa’ by Toto.
It's something that a hundred men or more could never do…
Coronavirus update: Everyone at John Lennon airport has been quarantined.
Imagine all the people
Did you hear about the dyslexic Devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.
Why did the old man fall in the well?
Because he could not see that well.
Dad: Son, you’re adopted.
Son: Oh wow I wonder who my real parents are. Dad: We are your real parents, your adopted parents are coming to pick you up.
What do you call a tired skeleton?
The Grim Sleeper
One night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars and I said to myself,
“My roof has disappeared”
I like my women how I like my whiskey
Strong, Irish, and at least 18 years old.
Post Malone just suspended his tour
Guess that makes him postponed Malone
My son asked “daddy, did you pick your nose when you were young?”
“no, son, I was born with it.”
Why didn’t the Asian guy get a high five?
Because Logan Paul left him hanging
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said:
Y'know, one would've been enough.
My wife’s favorite song is “Ain’t No Sunshine” by Bill Withers and she reminds of this every single time it’s on the radio…
I reply, "I know, I know, I know, I know, I know…"
There’s a new reality show where flat-earthers are trying to find the edge of the world…
They’ll be so disappointed when the finale is not a cliffhanger…
Man, it’s so cold outside..
I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets
I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne"
Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
Its very time consuming.
What “supporting your neighbor looks like” from a distance during COVID-19. #respect
https://ift.tt/2VJtwgx
Why did the guy with a lisp hit on the girl with the flu?
Because she was thicc
I have the eye of a tiger, the heart of a lion…
… and a lifetime ban from the New York Zoo.
I snacked on fire ants and now I have heart burn!
Guess I should take an antacid….
Why do norwegians put barcodes on their ships?
So when they dock, they can scandinavian.