Today I saw dwarf prisoner climbing down a wall.
I thought to myself "Now, that's a little condescending".
My grandfather died because the medics mistakenly thought he had Type A blood.
Turns out it was a typo.
Nobody ever asks “How is Coke doing ?”
It's always "Is Pepsi ok ?"
I call my hand Handy and my foot Footy. What do I call my dick?
Useful. Because it always comes in Handy.
After some pondering and experiments, I’ve made a conclusion that I can no longer reach my original weight.
8 lbs 9 oz is an unrealistic goal anyways.
What does an island and the letter T have in common
They both are in the middle of water
I love the way the earth rotates
It really makes my day.
How many volunteers do we have for my army ?
"385, my liege." "Okay, round them up." "400, my liege."
So I’ve been asking what LGBTQ is,
But nobody will give me a straight answer.
Two Watt Bulbs
A man walks into a hardware store and speaks to the cashier. "Have you any two watt bulbs?" "For what?" "That'll do, I'll take two." "Two what?" "I thought you didn't have any?" "Any what?" "Yes please!"
If anyone says you have to work 365 days in 2020 in order to succeed, they don’t have your best interests in mind and is preaching toxic hustle culture
You need to work 366 days cause it’s a leap year
A police officer pulls over an elderly couple
He walks up to the driver's side window and asks the husband for his license and registration. The wife, hard of hearing, asks "what?! What did he say to you?" The husband replies "he wants my license!" The officer asks him if he knew how fast he was going. The wife yells "what?! What did he say to you?" The husband yells back "he says I was speeding!" As the officer looks at the license he notices they're from Ohio "you know, I used to live in Ohio. Worst place ever. I was seeing this woman there, and it was just miserable. She would never shut up, couldn't cook worth shit, constantly belittled me, and the sex was just awful." The old lady once again yells "what?! What did he say to you?" The husband yells back "he said you two used to date!"
What’s a pirates least favourite letter?
Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Sincerely, your service provider.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Oh, it's a really obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed. Edit: My first award! Thanks!
A german was peeing in a street in New York…
… and a lady looks at him and says: 'Gross.' To which the German replies: 'Danke!'
I really need to fix my watch but…
I never have the time
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
“Yes, we arson.”
My friend Dave drowned yesterday, we placed a life jacket on his coffin
It's what he would have wanted…
The teacher walked into the classroom
and gave her fifth grade class a challenge to spell any 12 letter word. One kid raised his hand and the teacher called on him. "M-A-S-T-U-R-B-A-T-I-O-N," he spelt. The whole class laughed and the teacher was quite taken aback, but nevertheless congratulated him as it was a 12 letter word and he did manage to spell it correctly. "Wow!" she said. "Well done. That's quite a mouthful!" The kid replies, "No, you're thinking of a blowjob!"
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." Stunned, the woman sits down and complains to the man next to her. "I can't believe that rude driver! He was so insulting to me! I have half I mind to tell him off!" The man replies, "You should. Let him have it. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you."
My phone kept calling me Shirley this morning
I had forgotten to take it off of airplane mode.
A husband came home with half gallon a of ice cream
and asked his wife if she wanted some. "How hard is it?" she asked. "About as hard as my dick," he replied. "Pour me some."
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar…
and are followed by 'Batman!'
I tried to join a secret religious society, but the requirements were very strict.
It was called Diffi cult.
How to tell the sex of an ant?
Drop it in water… If it sinks: girl ant If it floats…..
I just took off my backpack after my very last college final.
Boy, was that a weight off my shoulders. Edit: I actually am finally about to graduate, so I’m happy even if you don’t like my joke!
Of all my body parts, my fingers are the most reliable.
I can always count on them.
My friend David lost his ID.
Now he's just Dav.
What did the grape say when it was stepped on?
Nothing…. it just let out a little wine.
The opposite of Microsoft Office is…
Macrohard Onfire.
[grocery store] Ok, milk…check, eggs…check, tomatoes…check.
“Sir, please stop writing separate checks for every single item.”
What does 6.9 mean?
Just another good thing ruined by period.
“If organ trafficking is illegal….”
"Then what about pianos?" -my half drunk dad