Today I thought of a color that doesn’t exist…
but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.
Do not use “BEEFSTEW” as a password
It's not stroganoff
My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened.
He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.
I organised a secret bukkake party for my girlfriend…
Everybody came, you should have seen her face!
I’m a proud anti-vaxx mother of five children!
Edit: four children Second edit: 2 children!
An Irishman applied for a job working with the local blacksmith.
“Have you ever shoed horses before?” the blacksmith asked him. “No,” replied the Irishman, “but I did tell a donkey to fuck off once.”
not saying new and innovative studies are wrong, but you know which sort of people i mean
https://ift.tt/2TQ7nxa
Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.
Just went in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask.
I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?" She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."
From my 9yo. How do you tell someone was cutting wood?
You saw-dust. (There were exaggerated winks after. And a elbow to the ribs. It was glorious)
The problem with kleptomaniacs…
…is that they always take things literally…
I edited my pig’s genes to make it taste better
you might even say the bacon is CRISPR
A truck loaded with Worcestershire sauce is driving through Saskatoon, Saskatchewan when it collides with a Nissan Qashqai.
The truck then careens down the road and hits a car from Massachusetts, injuring the two otorhinolaryngologists inside. A bystander quickly calls to report the accident on his Huawei. The emergency operator asks the bystander, "What happened?" "It's hard to say." . . Co-written by M0ng078
What is this, some kind of Boomer joke that I’m too Millennial to understand?
https://ift.tt/2H77fSO
Am I only the only one who thinks this “meme” is BS? Like ywd she be a class.
https://ift.tt/3esMeRl
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One’s really heavy and one’s a little lighter.
Women really know how to hold a grudge over the smallest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.
It's been a month now and she's still not speaking to me
My son, who’s into astronomy, asked me how stars die.
"Usually an overdose, son," I told him.
I bought shoes from a drug dealer once.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
I, for one
Like Roman numerals
Dad, what does doubting mean?
Son: Dad, what does doubting mean? Dad: Hmmm… I'll give you a practical example: who do you love more? Daddy or Mommy? Son: answers without hesitation Mommy Dad: ಠ_ಠ Then go ask her! She will explain! Don't bother me I aint got no time to waste!
My teacher told me I would never be any good at Poetry because of my dyslexia….
But so far I've made 3 vases and a jug.
I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday.
I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Do i really need a hypnotist?
I'm open to suggestion.