Today I was awakened with oral sex
.It is dangerous to sleep with your mouth open on the subway.
Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal…
…until the pressure got to him.
I hit my friend with a huge crystal of sodium chloride.
I got arrested for a salt!
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
A JFK conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him. "Welcome. You are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully." Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, "Who really shot Kennedy?" God replies, "Lee Harvey Oswald shot him from sixth floor of the Texas School Book Depository. There were no accomplices. He acted alone" The conspiracy theorist pauses, thinks to himself, then says "Shit! This goes higher up than I thought…"
my girlfriend left me because I’m insecure
nevermind she's back she just went to pee
What do you do if you break your leg in two places?
Never, EVER go back to those two places.
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it.
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick O’Shay
I accidentally clicked on a pop-up link that said, “Free Justin Bieber tickets inside!”
Thankfully it was just a virus.
An atheist, a vegan, and a cross fitter walk into a bar.
I know because they told everyone within two minutes.
Why is an executioner a terrible high-fiver?
He always leaves you hanging
There is a fine line between numerator and denominator
Only a fraction of people will get it
At a recent interview, I was asked where can I see myself in 2 years time…
I don't know, it's not like I have 2020 vision!
Can a ninja throw stars?
Shurikan
My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days. He says it could be a lot worse
I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water. I know he means well.
What do you call an alien with three balls?
An extrateressticle
Last year i was depressed and miserable,
But this year I've turned it around, I'm miserable and depressed
“So is that a gun in your trousers or you are just happy to see me ?”
"Both , now get in the van ."
As an introverted entrepreneur in the coal industry…
I mined my own business.
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
What did Obi-Wan say to Luke at the dinner table?
"Use the fork Luke"
“Un, deux, trois, quatre”, radioed the French ship…
…before it cinq. "Eins, zwei, drei", radioed the German ship vierlessly, but then silence. "Uno, dos", radioed the Spanish ship, and then disappeared without a tres. "One," radioed the British ship before it went two. "Won," radioed the American sub.
What did the hat say to the scarf?
You hang around here, I’ll go on ahead.
How do you upset a vegan by email?
Send them some spam
Justice is best served cold…
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater!
I met my girlfriend at an African language class…
We just clicked!
Do you know why women fart after they pee?
They can't shake it so they need to blow dry.
Why did the coffee go to the police
Because it got mugged
My wife asked me “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating ?”
So I took her to dinner, then a movie and dropped her off at her parents' house
For a second, I couldn’t decide what underwear to buy.
It was a moment of brief indecision.
