Today I went to a restaurant and asked the french waiter to give me all the eggs they had.
Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas
Me: sipping toast why?
My wife just left me because I’m too insecure…
Never mind. She just came back. She went to get a cup of coffee.
I just caught my son googling porn web sites, and I’m completely heartbroken.
We are strictly a Bing family.
My girlfriend makes me want to become a better person.
Mostly so I can get a better girlfriend.
What kind of bait cannot be used for fishing?
The Answer Will Shock You!
As an immigration officer, I may not always agree with you.
But I can see where you are coming from.
Is this sub still active?
There hasn’t been a post all year. Happy New Years from New Zealand
Autocorrect can go straight to he’ll.
No text found
My friend David had his ID stolen.
Now he's just Dave
I only believe in 12.5% of the Bible…
That makes me an eighth theist.
Wife and I got a flat tire driving back from the farmer’s market
I should have bought asparagus
When you think of 2020, what’s the first thing that comes to mind?
Coronavirus, right off the bat.
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after my first day at work.
Deep down I realized it wasn’t for me.
What do you call a Mexican midget?
A paragraph. He’s not quite a full essay
When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree, I don’t think it’s sweet.
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
What number is a sport?
Ten is
I’m hosting a charity event for people who can’t orgasm.
Let me know if you can't come
life is more complex especially when you choose to own and maintain a fancy 2-door car
https://ift.tt/3cXcxyE
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, “Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.” The social worker behind the counter said, “Your timing is excellent!” We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her every need. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year.' The guy, wide-eyed, said, “You're lying !!!” The social worker said, “Yeah, well . . . you started it.”
If Matthew McConaughey had a cat, what color would it be?
All white, all white, all white.
Why is booze better than carrots?
Carrots may be good for your eyes but booze will double your vision.
After a date
Her: We should have dinner again. Him: No, I'm full.
What kind of medical condition causes wrinkles clothes?
An iron deficiency.
My son asked me how hard it is to calculate the area of a circle
I told him it’s easy as pi
A farmer has 3 bulls and 200 cows
One of the bulls is large and has 100 cows to himself. The second bull is medium sized and has 70 cows. The third bull is small and has 30 cows. One day the farmer gets another bull. The large bull says, “I don’t care how big he is, he’s not getting a single one of my cows.” The medium bull says, “Same here, those are my cows.” The small bull agrees saying, “I’ll fight if I have to, but he’s not taking my cows.” The new bull is brought to the farm. The trailer is shaking, and the door bursts open. One of the farmhands is launched backwards, and massive bull comes out of the trailer. The large bull says, “Forget it, he can have my cows.” The medium bull, quivering by now, says, “No way can I stop him. I guess he can have my cows, too.” They look to the small bull to see him raring up for a fight. “What the hell are you doing?! You can’t hope to take him,” they scream to the small bull. The small bull calmly replies, “I’m trying to make sure he knows I’m not a cow.”
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Disney collection…
Except the movie Up. He’s never gonna give you Up.
In the year 2000, Putin was elected President of Russia…
The night after he was sworn into office, Vladimir Putin had a dream. In it, he stood in a long, elegant hall, and was surrounded by all of the great leaders of Russia, from Ivan the Terrible to Boris Yeltsin. Looking around at them all, he eventually bows his head and says: "Great rulers of Russia, I seek your wisdom in our country's time of need. How should I lead it to greater prosperity?" The leaders all turn, looking towards a shorter man towards the front: Joseph Stalin. He steps forward, and says to Putin: "Here are the two things that you must do. First, gather up all the Democrat politicians and have them shot. Second, paint the outside of the Kremlin blue." Putin looks back at Stalin, incredulously. "Blue?! Why would I paint the Kremlin blue?" Stalin cracks a smile, and then howls with laughter. Turning towards the rest of the men, he proudly proclaims, "See? I told you he wouldn't ask about the first one!"
That’s why she is so good at video games…
https://ift.tt/2TKU5D7
A teacher asks her class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks. Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."
