Today in sex ed our teacher asked what’s the difference between a male reproductive system and the female reproductive system.
Apparently there’s a vas deferens
What has two butts and kills people
An assassin
The US Space Force uniform camouflage vs the Netflix Space Force Series uniform camouflage
https://ift.tt/2Tyb0br
Two Aliens
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!" The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.' 'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch. Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head. 'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?' The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his pen!s over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones?
Skele tons! Stay spooky my dudes
A pretty good joke told to me by a coworker
One day little Billy approached Mr. Johnson's house and knocked on the door. After they exchanged a few pleasantries, little Billy asked Mr. Johnson, "Sir, I noticed ya got some milkweed growing in your backyard, mind if go back there and get some milk?" Amused by the request, Mr. Johnson replied, "Son, knock yourself out." knowing full well that he couldn't possibly get milk from milkweed. Sure enough, Billy came back to Mr. Johnson with 2 pails of milk. Little Billy thanked the now shocked and speechless Mr. Johnson and went on his way. The next day Billy knocked on Mr. Johnson's door again. "Afternoon Mr. Johnson, I noticed ya had some buttercups growing in your backyard, mind if I get some butter?" Curious this time around, Mr. Johnson replied, "Sure son, go right ahead." knowing full well he couldn't possibly get butter from a buttercup. Sure enough, Billy came back with 2 buckets of butter. Again, Billy thanked a now even more shocked and speechless Mr. Johnson and went on his way. The next day little Billy knocked on Mr. Johnson's door for a third time. Mr. Johnson, very intrigued by little Billy's strange requests eagerly greeted the young man. "How can I help you today son?" said Mr. Johnson. "Well sir, I noticed ya had some pussy willows growing in your backyar-" and before Billy could finish Mr. Johnson interrupted, "Hold on Billy! Let me go get my boots!"
What do you call a cancer doctor when they’re on call?
An oncologist.
I’ve decided to sell my roomba,
It was just collecting dust anyway.
Whoever invented auto-correct,
can go to hello. Edit: Wow thanks for the silver!
My friends son asked me if I know how to speak lizard
I told him “I don’t. But i guana learn someday”
Courtesy of my 6 year old – Where did fozzy bear take his dog?
For a walka walka walka
What do you call a pig that does karate?
Pork Chop! (Overhear a little boy telling his mum, I’m sure he’ll grow up to be a great dad 😂)
What do you call a death match between E.T. and a nerd with no social life?
Alien versus Redditor.
Dong. Ding Dong.
James Bond's doorbell
Don’t buy anything with Velcro on it.
It’s a total rip-off!
Me 2 weeks into 2024 (Tomorrow is March 1st)
Me 2 weeks into 2024 (Tomorrow is March 1st)
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline become apparent.
Are you aware of how to avoid clickbait?
Guess not
Whenever someone asks me if I know how to use a(n) [INSERT MICROSOFT OFFICE PRODUCT]…
… I tell them, "Why yes, I Excel at it" and when they say, "Well, can you help me do this?" Me: "Word."
Ever hear the one about the 3 holes in the ground?
Well Well Well
Me: Do you have that new book about living with a small penis?
Librarian: I’m sorry, I don’t think it’s in yet. Me: Yeah, that’s the one.
TIL the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners.
A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter…
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage." As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "…and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?" "New Zealand, sir." the boy replied. "Why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there." "Is that right?" replied the manager. "My wife is from New Zealand!" "Really?" replied the boy. "Who did she play for?"
I threw an iPhone into a lake the other day.
It's still syncing
I saw a midget get pickpocketed today.
I still can't believe someone could stoop so low.
Yesterday I saw a half-dog, half-cat…
What’s up with dat!?
Lawyer joke from my 8 year old
What do you call a crappy lawyer? An a-turd-ney
I am Barby girl in a Barby wooorld, life in plastic is fantastic!
I am Barby girl in a Barby wooorld, life in plastic is fantastic!
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin
I own only two types of clothes— I wear my gym clothes when I exercise.
For formal occasions, I wear my James clothes.
I can’t believe Kim Jon Un wants to nuke South Korea
Does he have no Seoul
My friend said “What rhymes with orange.”
I said no it doesn't.
What’s brown and not very heavy?
Light brown
Where did the boulder learn its arithmetic?
The School of Hard Rocks
The nicest thing you could ever do for someone is define the word “bargain”.
It means a great deal.
Earlier, I was driving behind an ambulance when a cooler fell off the back. I stopped and opened it up to find a foot inside..
So I decided to call a toe-truck.
A woman listen’s in on her 4 year old playing with his train set
“All those getting off, go on fuck off, and all those gettin on fucking hurry up” The woman smacks his bum and sends him upstairs till he’s learned his lesson. 2 hours later the boy comes back down, says sorry to his mum and carries on playing, Mum listens in: ”all those departing thank you for travelling with us and have a good day! All those boarding, mind the gap and have a safe journey!…And all those who are upset by the 2 hour delay, blame the fat cunt in the kitchen!
I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth on a gram.
I was – like – 0MG.