Today just shocked my whole life
First i find out im adopted, then I found out that both of my dads are gay.
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.
While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she sensually asked him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming…that was me."
I have a friend who is a transgender atheist.
They are a she now, but they were a heathen.
Why do valley girls hang out in odd numbered groups?
Because they can't even.
A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.
He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her. "How much for a hand-job?" "$5,000" she replies. "$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way." "Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a restaurant. "You see this restaurant? I own this restaurant because men pay me $5,000 for hand jobs." He ponders for a moment. "Damn, they must be pretty good then. Alright." He brings her back to his hotel room. Gets the hand job, and as advertised; it is the best hand job he has ever had. After he finishes, he realizes how perfect she is and asks. "Okay, that was awesome. How much for a blow job?" "$15,000" she replies. "$15,000?!? You are out of your mind. No way!" He shouts "Come to the window." They walk to the window and she begins to point. "You see those three casinos? I own those casinos because men pay me $15,000 for blow jobs." "Fine, how can i say no?" Once again, it is the best blow job of his life. He is writhing in ecstasy after finishing, and practically in love with this woman. "Okay, I am gonna regret this. How much for the pussy?" "Come to the window." He follows her to the window, ready for anything. "Do you see all of Las Vegas?" She asks. "No way! You own all of Las Vegas?!" He exclaims, astounded. "No.." she looks down. " But I would if I had a pussy…"
My wife is really mad at the fact that i have no sense of direction.
So i packed up my stuff and right.
I believe the Avengers 4 title will be Avengers: Blindness
Because they lost their Vision
Why are nuns’ outfits always ill fitting?
Because good habits are hard to maintain and bad habits are hard to break.
“Hey dad, I’m taking a shower”
"Alright, make sure to bring it back"
My parents used to give me this gum as a kid, and I bought a new pack for nostalgia
https://ift.tt/3afdd0S
What’s the fastest way for Harry Potter to get down the mountain?
Running, jk rowling
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff
ba dum tss
I love how the Earth rotates
It makes my day
Why was the broom late to work?
It overswept
I’ve decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I’m too scrawny…
I just gave them my too weak notice…
My buddy spider really has his future planned.
He wants to become a web designer.
I had to quit my last job, all I did was test soft drinks
It was just soda grading
I have a friend with 5 legs,
His pants fit like a glove.
I’ve just bought the personalized number plate BAA BAA…
For my black jeep…
I found a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
How do u spell CANADA?
C, eh? N, eh? D, eh?
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
I gave all my dead batteries away today…
Free of charge
Might be the first meme my dad has ever sent me, a tried and true boomerhumor staple
https://ift.tt/2XTcKOB