Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
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When I get naked in the bathroom
the shower gets turned on.
Why do gay people smile so much?
It's hard for them to keep a straight face.
I dated a girl with a lazy eye once
Turns out she was seeing someone on the side
A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”
“Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!” The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.” After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender. The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy, he's a web designer
My son asked me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I laughed, “That’s Superman.”
He said, “Thanks dad, I’ve been practicing a lot.”
What does ED stand for?
Nothing, it stands for nothing.
I drew a graph of all my previous relationships.
It had an ex axis, and a why axis. . Credit to /u/Viewedaskew on /r/jokes
MOVIE RATINGS EXPLAINED
G: Nobody gets the girl. PG: The good guy gets the girl. R: The bad guy gets the girl. X: Everybody gets the girl!
What is a pirate’s favorite letter?
(After they reply with R) Ye think it’d be Arr, but me first love be the C
I’m so disappointed in this generation
These days, people will click on anything even if it's nothing more then a catchy title
What’s all this nonsense about nothing flying at Gatwick airport.
My drone's been flying about there all morning no problem.
Floppy Disks are like Jesus
They died to become the icon of saving
If a is for Apple and b is for banana….what is c for?
Plastic explosives
Once there were four business men. They were sitting on a bench in a hospital waiting room because their wives were having babies.
A nurse comes over and says to the first businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had a baby." The man says, "What a coincidence! I'm the president of And1!" The nurse goes away. Then the nurse comes back and says to the second businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had twins!" The man says, "What a coincidence! I'm the owner of the Minnesota Twins!" The nurse goes away. The nurse comes back and says to the third businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had triplets!" The man says, "What a coincidence! I work for Triple Crown!" The nurse goes away. The nurse comes back and sees the fourth businessman alone on the bench crying. She asks, "Why are you crying"? The man replies, "I work for Seven Up."
My wife asked me if I was having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch.
I said: “How can you say such a thing?”
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it
What’s the point of swearing if you are gonna censor it anyway?
What’s the point of swearing if you are gonna censor it anyway?
How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They're afraid of change- even if it makes the world a brighter place. (Edit: Folks, take a breath. It is a joke.)
What sound does a bouncing plane make?
Boeing-Boeing-Boeing
My girlfriend and I are trying the whole “long distance relationship thing”
Also, the police say on top of having to stay 100 feet away, I need to stop referring to her as my "girlfriend"
I’ve been shrunken down to the size of a data cell and shoved into an iPod.
It would appear I'm in a bit of a jam.
I told the wife I could make a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta
A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.
He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake. "Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said. So the father visited a ton of different bakeries and did research, but found the prices to be too high. My daughter is inviting all of her friends, and I'll look bad if I don't put together a good cake, he thought. Then, he stumbled upon a shop that opened once a year to provide free cake to its customers. How quaint, the father thought, but desperate, he walked inside to see if they could provide a cake for his daughter's birthday. He was met by a Buddhist monk chanting and lighting incense. "Hello," the father asked, "I would like to buy a cake." "Of course," the monk replied, "just draw a picture of the cake you would like on the notepad on the desk." The father thought this to be weird, but wanting to save as much money as possible, he gave him the address and told him to come in the backdoor, just in case the cake was bad. The day of the party arrived and the monk visited the house with the most extravagant cake the family had ever seen. All of the guests were in awe, and whispered to each other about how much the cake could have costed. The monk became the guest of honor and at the end of the party, the father approached the monk and asked, "Why do you do this for free? You should take money for your services!" The monk smiled and said, "I do this for free because a cake day is the best way to earn karma."
I have to pay for a bus ticket?
I guess it's only fare
I have a friend who keeps trying to convince me he’s a compulsive liar…
…but I don’t believe him…
My dad as we drive over train tracks.
I think a train has just passed by here…. Why do you say that dad? Well look there,points….you can see it's tracks.
The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”
Now I can’t open it, as the door faces the wall.
Long. A little white rabbit is being chased through the forest by a bear.
As they are running, they both trip over a magic lamp. The genie pops out and looks at the two. “Since you both touched the lamp, you will both get 3 wishes,” says the genie. The bear starts jumping up and down waving its paws and says “Oh, oh, oh, me first! I wish all the bears in this forest except for me were female!” The genie snaps his fingers and all the bears in the forest except for this bear are females. The rabbit says, “I’ll take a scooter, please.” The genie snaps his fingers and poof a little white scooter just the right size for the rabbit appears. The bear says, “Oh, oh, oh! If you can make all the bears in this forest female, then I want all the bears in this country but me to be female!” The genie snaps his fingers and all of the bears in that country except for this bear are females. The rabbit says, “I’ll take a helmet.” The genie snaps his fingers and a little white helmet with ear holes appears on the seat of the scooter. The bear is really excited now. He leaps up and down and yells, “If you can make all the bears in this country female, then I wish all the bears in the world were female except me!!” The genie snaps his fingers and all the bears in the entire world except for this bear are female. The rabbit puts on his helmet and hops on the scooter. He looks at the genie, then at the bear, then back to the genie. He says, “I wish the bear was gay,” and drives off.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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My parents are the funniest people in the world
They made a joke 21 years ago and people are still laughing at it.
My pet parrot, Nickel, just passed away.
Now I have a nickel-less cage.
What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
You look a bit flushed.
A string walks into a bar
He says "Bartender, get me a beer." The bartender says "We don't serve your kind here." The string is pissed. He goes into the alley, twists himself up, messes up his hair, and storms back inside. "Bartender. Get me a beer." The bartender eyes him suspiciously. "Hey, ain't you that string I sent out earlier?" The string shakes his head. "I'm a frayed knot."
Today I met a vegan girl who came out as a lesbian
She is truely Beyond Meat.