Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
I wrote a book about my love of punctuation.
The Comma Sutra.
Scientists removed the right half of a man’s noggin…
Scientists removed the right half of a man's noggin and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten." Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine." The scientists then removed both halves of the man's noggin, and asked him again to count to ten. The man said, "Look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one- believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten, okay? And let me tell you – let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous.
I see a lot of new faces here tonight, which is disappointing.
I can always tell when someone is lying just by looking at them.
I can tell when they’re standing too.
Why did Adolf Hitler yell at the waiter ?
He hated the juice.
I asked my friend the baker what is the key to being successful in the business and making good bread…
/r/Jokes/comments/fxvl3o/i_asked_my_friend_the_baker_what_is_the_key_to/
![[Not my meme] But do you know the answer?](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/hhoyujk4rz541-400x336.jpg)
Sleeping is so easy…
… I can do it with my eyes closed.
My chickens got really upset when their home was destroyed.
But they'll recoup.
Doctor : You’ve got a problem in your eyes
Dad : Oh i see Doctor : No you can't
My nephew told me when he grows up, he wants to be a pizza delivery guy, or a pool skimmer.
I need to tell my bro to do a better job at hiding his porn.
Two cannibals sat by a fire the 1st one says
"I'm going to become a vegan". The other one says "me too" The 1st one says " you do realise we have totally fucked up this joke now it won't be funny " The other one says "yeh well that's vegans for you"
What’s a decent Asian stereotype?
I like Sony and Yamaha.
If a Pomeranian looked Medusa in the eyes…
…it would become a pomegranite.
If Hooters started delivering
Would they change their name to knockers?
We’re bringing back Memeless Mondays!
A few months ago, we tried out a concept known as “Memeless Mondays”, where, you guessed it, (most) memes are prohibited every Monday. Specifically:For the duration of this day, all image jokes must only use OC meme templates or not use any template at all (i.e. not be a meme).We won’t check for OC very thoroughly – if it can’t be found with a quick Google search for keywords, or isn’t an edit of an easily googlable template, you’re probably okay.All posts made which break the above criterion will be removed; no strikes will be administered for this violation.Response to this was generally very positive, and allowed higher quality content to shine once a week. The only reason for its abandonment was lack of available moderation – we have that now, so it’s coming back!It’s been a while, so if you have any concerns or suggestions regarding MM, leave them below. Otherwise, see you Monday.
What do you call a group of introverts?
A paradox.
Is the world ready for ejaculating clocks?
I guess we'll know when the time comes.
this
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A truck carrying toupees crashed on the highway, spilling everything.
Police are combing the area.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
Teacher : Tell me a sentence that starts with an “I”.
Student : I is the … Teacher : Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I". Student : OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the fuck cologne.
What do you call an octopus with 4 hearts?
An octopus with 1 extra heart. (It’s a learning joke 😁)
I had to get a loan to pay for an exorcism.
They said if I didn’t pay it back on time I’d get repossessed.
Most people know that Sin City is Vegas… But do they know what Den City is?
Mass divided by volume
Rare photo of Melania Trump genuinely smiling. Taken at the roast of Donald Trump.
https://ift.tt/2XXbsk2
You can accuse virgins of a lot of things
But when it comes to relationships, they ain't fucking around.
A cute girl at work said she’d only go on a date with me on a day that doesn’t end in ‘Y’
I said "Great! I'll pick you up tomorrow!"
My family complains that I never talk during breakfast because I still read a newspaper.
You can say…. I’m behind The Times.
England has no kidney bank but…
It does have a Liverpool
Hillary Clinton says ‘many, many, many people’ are urging her to run for president in 2020.
And most of them are Republicans.
How do tree nuts usually end their prayers?
They said "Almond."
Why haven’t aliens come to our solar system?
They checked our reviews. One star.