Today we are learning about mitosis!
Now, I’m gonna need your undivided attention.
Why is the dark side of the moon dry?
Because the other side has all the moonshine
“How much to buy a singing ensemble?” “You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?”
Do you guys remember when I told you about my spine issue?
It was about a week back.
I hate it when kids write “angle” instead of “angel”.
They’re just trying to be edgy.
My wife laughed when I said I still had the body of an 18 year old.
Until she checked the freezer.
I don’t always roll joints…
But when I do it’s usually an ankle
LPT: For your safety, try not to mess with asexual people.
They don’t fuck around.
I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian.
I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.
What nationality is Santa?
North Polish.
my wife asked me why i type everything in lower case.
i said i stopped giving a shift.
A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit.
It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes." After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?" She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."
A sketchy guy just came into my shop and bought six smoke machines. So I called the cops.
He must be a part of some extreme mist group.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punch line is a parent
There’s an easy trick you can use to calculate your IQ
It's 150 minus the number of toilet rolls you have at home
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent. When does the punchline become apparent? After the delivery.
An Irishman goes to the doctor’s surgery …
and he says to the doctor "Top o' the morning Doc, I've got a little problem. It's a pain like, in me arse." So the doctor says "Well we'd better have a look at it. Take your trousers and pants down." After the patient assumes the position the doctor gets a rubber glove, some lubricant and starts to examine him. He can quickly feel something not quite right, and after a bit of fiddling he manages to extract a £20 note from the Irishman's bottom. "Did you know you had a £20 note stuck up there?" He asks the man. "No doc, I did not, to be sure. I do feel a little bit better, like, but still not quite right. Will you have another look for me?" So the doctor gets back to work and sure enough he finds another £20 note, and then another. After about half an hour he finally cannot feel any more banknotes. He sits down to count the money as the man puts his clothes back on. "So, how did you manage to get £1980 in used £20 notes into your bum?" "I don't rightly know doc, but I knew I wasn't feeling too grand."
Women shoots her husband
A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. "I have an interesting case here " he says "A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped". "Have you arrested her ? " asks the sergeant . "No not yet the floor is still wet"
Today my dad celebrated his 62nd birthday.
It was only a minute long.
Robin: “Batman, this is Robin”
Robin: "I'm calling on the batphone, from the batcave. The batmobile won't start!" Batman: "Have you checked the battery?" Robin: "what's a tery?"
What site do you use to get captions like this? (The text above the image)
What site do you use to get captions like this? (The text above the image)
A woman listen’s in on her 4 year old playing with his train set
“All those getting off, go on fuck off, and all those gettin on fucking hurry up” The woman smacks his bum and sends him upstairs till he’s learned his lesson. 2 hours later the boy comes back down, says sorry to his mum and carries on playing, Mum listens in: ”all those departing thank you for travelling with us and have a good day! All those boarding, mind the gap and have a safe journey!…And all those who are upset by the 2 hour delay, blame the fat cunt in the kitchen!
Judge : I order you to pay £10,000
MARIO : why Judge : it’s a fine MARIO : (sadly) no itsa not
Anytime I tell a terrible joke to my kids, I walk away from them and yell it from across the room.
If they groan, I say, “I think I took this joke too far.”
Einstein finally developed a theory about space…
It was about time too! badoom chaaaa
What’s E.T. short for?
He's only got little legs
What’s a group of chubby newborns called?
Heavy infantry
You don’t want me to treat you to a bespoke outfit from my tailor?
Fine, suit yourself.
Courtesy of my 5 year old: Why did Dracula take cold medicine?
To stop his coffin.
It’s really hard to say what my wife does for a living.
She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
My wife asked why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid that Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I raised my left leg before the new year started…
…so I could start it off on the right foot. 🤮 Happy new year!
A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride…
The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop disturbing the other passengers. Irritated by this, the stranger nudges the redneck in his dirty boots, cowboy hat, and plaid shirt and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger, and this cabin is full of a bunch of morons." JimBob, who had just tilted his hat over his eyes to get some sleep, tilted it back up slowly and said to the stranger, "Yeeahp i hear that, whatcha wana talk 'bout?" "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger who began to grin, because he was about to show this dumb redneck how much smarter he is "How about nuclear power?" "Yeeahp. I dont much care for it" said JimBob. "Ok" said the stranger "why dont you ask me a question, and if i can answer it you have to pay for my next drink, and if i cant then ill leave you alone to sleep" JimBob considers for a moment, then says "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass – The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" After considering for a minute, Stranger says "Jeez, I have no idea." "Well, then," said JimBob as he tilted his hat back down and leaned his seat back, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof…
I was shocked
My friend just phoned and asked me if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent…
My friend just phoned and asked me if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent… And you know me always willing to help my friends and family out… I told her…"give me a minute let me check my account and I'll phone u right back." Before I could check my account my friend's mom phones and says, "Don’t give her any money because she's lying.” Mom proceeds to tell me that she wants to use that $500 to get her boyfriend out of jail because she wants to be under the same roof with him for her birthday!!! So I thought about it for a minute, and decided to go ahead and give her the $500 cuz we all need help at times… So I phoned her back and said, "yea, I can help you" and met her and gave her an envelope of cash. A couple hours later, I got a call from the County Jail, I say hello and she starts screaming and asking, “Why did you give me counterfeit money?!" I replied: " so you and your boyfriend would be under the same roof for your birthday!!!"
The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey, that he entered it in the race again and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farm for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10 This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day. The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . . even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and just cover your own !!! You'll be a lot happier and live longer!
What is Jesus’s favorite workout?
Crossfit
Went to a stables looking for work and the stable master asked “Have you ever shoed a horse?”
"No, but I told a donkey to fuck off once."
Yes
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When Mozart was alive, he was composing. Now that he’s dead,
He's decomposing
What did the bald dad say after receiving a comb for Christmas?
I will never part with this.
What do dentists call their x-rays?
Tooth pics.