ToDaY yEaRs oLd
The cocaine that I bought is so white..
..That the cops just let it go with a warning.
I wrote yea on one hand and nay on the other.
When I agree, I hold up the yea. I use the nay palm when I want to set things on fire.
A blonde rings up an airline and asks: “How long are your flights from America to England?”
The woman on the other end of the phone replies: "Just a minute". The blonde thanks her and hangs up the phone.
A local barber in my area was arrested for selling drugs.
It blew my mind—I've been his customer for years and I had no idea he was a barber.
My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday…
I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
Pilot left his microphone on.
After take off pilot accidentally left his microphone on and said to his Co pilot ' Now I just want a cup of coffee and a blowjob'. An air hostess ran to tell him to switch off his microphone. When someone from the passengers shouted 'He asked for a cup of coffee too'.
Yesterday I robbed the oversized board game store
It was a huge Risk that I was willing to take
What do you call a Holy woman that works in your office?
Nun of your business
Our new librarian is very polite and I think she is Italian…
I've just taken a book back that was months overdue but, rather than charging me, she just said, "That's-a-fine."
Had to wright a paragraph about this photo for my online english class today…
https://ift.tt/2VZxXnz
[NSFW] So my friend pays someone every month…
[…] to pee on him whenever he wants. It's his monthly streaming service.
Why did the sculpter evacuate his house?
He had a mold problem
A guy goes to a Halloween party with a beautiful girl on his back….
The host asks him, "And what are you?" The guy says, " I'm a snail." The host says "And who's that on your back?" "That's Michelle!"…
What’s Gordon Ramsay’s favourite Disney movie?
It’s fucking Frozen
Courtesy of my 5 year old: Why did Dracula take cold medicine?
To stop his coffin.
Why did miss piggie break off their engagement?
She was afraid of kermitment
An American man, a French man, a Spanish man and a German man are standing on the sidewalk, trying to watch a street performer juggle bowling pins.
The juggler notices they're having a bit of trouble, so he stands on a large wooden box and says to them, "Can you see me now?" They answer one at a time: "Yes." "Oui." "Sí." "Ja."
(sigh)
My dad and his sibling were talking and they just kept going on about how there generation is more hardworking and we’re all lazy 🤦♀️. I wanted to say ok boomer so badly.
Why was the basketball court wet?
Everyone was dribbling on it.
A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, “Mom, I have someone for you to meet!”
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning." He knew he was not going to get lucky that night. The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?" He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
What two words have the most letters?
Post office.
What do you call a cheap cicumcision?
A rip off.
I was so angry when the door knob broke off my front door.
I couldn’t handle it.
Tequila wont fix your life..
..But its definitely worth a shot.
What do you get when you inject a goat with human DNA?
A ban from the petting zoo.
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.” The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.” “Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle, “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.” She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?” “Ummmm…I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever. “My, my,” said the Poodle, “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.” She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?” The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, “Liver alone, cheese mine."
Went to the grocery store today. They told me gloves and a mask would be enough…
They LIED. Everybody else had clothes on!
Is this sub still active?
There haven't been any posts all year! australia squad
I’m reading a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.