Today’s Briefing Slide
Where does 100 equal 60?
A microwave.
What did the nut say when chasing the other nut?
I’m a cashew
College Tour Dad Joke
Was giving tours of various buildings at my university this morning, one of the rotations was our Nursing building. A mom asked “Is this Nursing school harder to get into than others?” Looking confused, I opened and closed the door a little bit before saying “Nah, the door’s not that heavy” Literally all the dads laughed while the moms and their children collectively groaned.
I just had to breakup with my cross eyed girlfriend
She was seeing other people
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience
The second time let me down
What does a horny frog say
Rubbit
My parents said that if I wanted to go travelling then I’d have to save up. So I’ve been saving up for three years now.
Still can't afford a train ticket.
America should go 4 years with no president after this term ends.
Taking some time to be single after an abusive relationship is really important.
I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels.
She didn’t know I existed.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
You put a nipple on it
Iron Man is technically a FEmale.
I will down vote myself on the way out….
Being a scarecrow is a tough job…
but hay… It’s in my jeans.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana
Bro, do you want a pamphlet?
Brochure!
(At parole hearing) Officer: Why should we release you?
Man: I th.. Officer: Yes? Man: The reas.. Officer: Go on. Man: May I please finish my sentence? Officer: Sure. Parole denied.
Not a joke, just a thank you.
But seriously, thank you to everyone on this sub. I end my class periods with a joke of the day every day and I usually take them from here. There is never a day where the students don't unanimously sigh at the punch line!
I don’t want to Spoonfeed…
but I like my words to be spelt in reverse alphabetical order.
Different Boobs and Dicks
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
I yelled, “COW!” at a woman on a bike
As she rode by. She looked at me, gave me the finger, and turned back around and promptly plowed her bike into the cow. I tried.
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
That is not a good sign.
I ordered a chicken and an egg on amazon.
I will let you know.
Whenever I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments of my high school days come flooding back to me.
I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
A Jewish mother goes on a flight
The plane takes off. After a while she stands up and ask loudly: “is there a doctor in this plane?” A man comes quickly and say: “I’m a doctor, what happened?” The woman replies: “would you like to meet my daughter?”
NASCAR bans the confederate flag?
Finally a turn in the right direction.
Why does a mathematician eat 9 times everyday?
So that he has 3 squared meals per day
My brother said, “What rhymes with Orange”
I told him no it doesn’t
What do you call 5 black guys having sex in 1789?
A threesome.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.