Today’s kids and their durned rifles, buncha delinquents!
What’s brown and sits on a piano stool?
Beethoven's final movement
[NSFW]An old dark joke
A kid returns home after playing baseball only to find his sister having sex with someone. He doesnt make a sound and hides in the closet. When their parents come home the man rushes and hides in the same closet. The kid whispers, "Its dark in here, right?" The man replies, "Yes, what do you want?" "I have this awesome baseball gloves. Do you wanna buy it for $100?" "No, its expensive" "If you dont buy it, I am gonna tell my dad" "Alright fine" The kid forces the man to buy it and as promised he doesnt make a fuss. A week later, the same thing happens again. He returns home, see his sister having sex with the same guy and again hides in the closet. Once again, when the parents return home, the man hides in the closet. The kid starts, "Its dark in here, right?" The man again replies, "Yes, what do you want this time?" "I have this amazing baseball bat. Wanna buy it for $200?" "No go away" "If you dont buy it, I'll tell my dad" "Okay, fine" The kid forces the man to buy his bat as well. With his earned $300, he goes to a shop and buys a good console and starts playing it in his home. When his dad asks how he got this, he replies that he sold his bat and gloves to a stranger and used that money to buy it. Being concerned, the dad takes the kid to the church and asks the Priest to make him understand. The Priest brings the kid to the prayer room. The kid laughs, "Its dark in here, right?" The man replies, "You start that again and I'll beat the shit out of you"
I keep having this dream about a horse in full battle armor.
Actually it's probably more of a knight mare.
Scientists have succeeded in growing human vocal chords in a Petri dish.
The results speak for themselves!
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
[NSFW] Wonder Woman is laying naked, face down, on a rooftop…
…when Superman flies by and sees her. Her naked body has him feeling all types of ways, so he starts to think, "You know, I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I could be in and out of there before she even realizes what happened." So, Superman flies in, does his business and takes off. Wonder Woman says, "What was that?" The Invisible Man responds, "I don't know, but my fucking ass is killing me."
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?" "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish."
What should you do if you see a famous person at a water park?
Ask them for their watergraph.
The Girlfriend Joke
So I recently moved into a new neighborhood and it's a pretty nice area. After a couple of weeks, a moving truck pulls up and I realize there's a new girl living in the house next to me. So I walk out and I notice that she's all by herself. Being the good neighbor I am, I go up and ask, "Hey, I see you don't have any help. Do you need any help with moving your boxes inside?" And keep this in mind, I'm like a 6/10 on good day while this girl is an easy 9/10. Like this girl can easily be a supermodel. So I ask if she needs any help and she looks me dead in the eye with the nastiest grimace on her face and says, "Uh… No thanks, I'm good." "Well ok. No problem. If you need anything, just give a little knock on the door and I'll come out." So a couple days go by after that failed attempt and this girl's dumb, small chihuahua jumps over the fence and gets into my yard. So I'm thinking, "Ok cranky girl. Round 2, let's go, we got this." So I take the dumb dog and I bring it over to her house and give the door a knock. She opens the door and with the biggest smile says, "OH MY GOD thank you SO MUCH! I don't know what I would do without him. He's like family to me. I'm so sorry that I was so mean to you the other day. I was having a bad day and took it out on you and I'm so sorry. Please let me make it up to you and take you out to dinner." So I humbly accept and we end up going out to dinner that night. Now, we don't have much in common. Like, I'm into video games and anime and she's into all this white girl stuff like makeup, Starbucks, and all that other shit. But, we have a good time. And I mean, this girl is WAY out of my league so who am I to complain? So then we hang out more frequently, I visit her and she visits me and now I'm in a good relationship with this extremely hot chick. A couple weeks go by, we continue this, and I see a moving truck come in from the other direction. I go out to greet the new neighbor and I see a cute girl come out of the moving truck. Now this girl is cute. She isn't supermodel hot, but she's cute. I would say she's like a 7/10. So I go up to her and say, "Hey, I see you don't have any help with moving your stuff in. Is it ok if I help?" Luckily, she says, "Yeah, sure. Um, take this box and put it in the living room. It's the first room to the right, you can't miss it." So I go to pick up the box and I realize that it's labeled "Video Games." The box wasn't taped very well, so I peek into the box and I'm seeing some serious video games. I'm seeing Final Fantasy 7-9 black label, a mint copy of Illusion of Gaia. Like, what girl even knows what that game is!? So I ask, "Hey, is this a box of your boyfriend's stuff?" and she responds with, "No, I don't have a boyfriend. That stuff's mine so make sure not to drop it." So now I know this girl is actually the coolest girl ever. So I help the girl move her stuff in and we hang out afterwards. We go out to lunch and we hit it off. We ended up just talking about video games the whole time and it was amazing. Now I have a friend to talk nerd shit with and don't forget, she's a cute as hell 7/10. And I also have this 9/10 girlfriend with me. And again, I'm just a 6/10 so right now, I'm living the dream. So a couple weeks go by and my girlfriend comes up to me and says, "Hey, so this may sound weird, but I don't want you to hang out with that girl anymore. You're spending a lot of time with her and I'm honestly a little jealous and I want you to spend more time with me." I tell her, "Well listen, why don't you try to talk to her. If you like me, then you'll like her and then we can all hang out and it'll be great." She says, "Well…alright. I guess I'll give it a shot. I'll try to talk to her tomorrow So next day, my girlfriend comes up to me and says, "Uh, yeah you can't see that girl ever again." "Wait, what? Why not? What happened?" "Yeah she told me that you're hers now and if I ever go near you again, she is going to kill me." "I think you're overreacting a little bit. She doesn't seem like that type of person" "She told me, and I quote, that she is going to fucking murder me." "I can't imagine that it's that serious. I'll try to straighten this out and go talk to her tomorrow." I go up to 7/10's house the next day and give it a little knock on the door but nobody answers. I try the doorbell, nothing. Give her a call, text her, no answer. So then I call my girlfriend, try to tell her that she wasn't there and I'll try again tomorrow. But again, no answer. So I go over to her house, knock on the door and still no answer. Next day knock* knock* no answer and I don't know what's going on. So day after day goes by and eventually, week after week and I'm getting nothing. I put in the missing persons but nothing turns up. I call their family and friends and they know nothing. And after weeks of all this, I just give up. Then I turn the news on one day, and I see the 7/10 girl getting carried away in handcuffs. And, she's covered in blood from head to toe. She's screaming and yelling at the camera saying, "She's dead, you're next." A couple days go by and the autopsy reports are coming in, and its all over the internet. Apparently, not only did she kill my gorgeous 9/10 girlfriend, but parts of her were missing. Chunks of her arms and legs were gone and it seems that the 7/10 girl ate parts of my girlfriend. Bit and chewed into her. Now I'm thinking to myself that I had the two most amazing girls in my life. And I'm here, 6/10, just worried out of my mind because I can't get the image out of my head of her screaming into the cameras saying, "She's dead, you're next. She's dead you're next." And I'm going crazy, I'm screaming and writing it in blood on the walls, "She's dead, you're next. She's dead you're next." AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT DO DO ANYMORE. And it raises the question: Why is 6 afraid of 7?
To all the ladies and gents who aren’t getting the V or the D in Valentine’s day
Happy Alentine's Ay
Which is Coronavirus’ favorite novel?
Around the world in eighty days.
I saw a bunch of guys in black leather jackets crowded around under some trees
It seemed very shady.
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s 3:30 in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over.
Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts.
Bows are really good weapons
Their only drawback is the string.
A new twist on an old joke.
Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10. He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10". They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again. He says "1, 3, 5, 7, 9". Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time. He says, "Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher – and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time – my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?"
Why does a chicken coup have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors, it'd be a chicken sedan.
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?
BECAUSE THEN IT WOULD BE A FOOT!
I was telling jokes about nuts and bolts
But then I screwed up.
“I went on a date with a girl to Yo Sushi,” said my buddy.
"How was it?" I asked. "Oh, you know…when one things lead to another…" he said coyly. "Yes," I replied. "That's called the conveyor belt."
Several scientists were all posed the following question: “What is 2 * 2 ?”
The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces, “3.99” The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces, “It lies between 3.98 and 4.02” The mathematician cogitates for a while, then announces, “I don't know what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!” Philosopher smiles, “But what do you mean by 2 * 2 ?” Logician replies, “Please define 2 * 2 more precisely.” The sociologist, “I don't know, but is was nice talking about it.” Behavioral Ecologist, “A polygamous mating system.” Medical Student, “4” All others looking astonished, “How did you know ?” Medical Student, “I memorized it.”
A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast
A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the younger man says, “Of course.” To his surprise, the old man plays quickly. He doesn’t hit the ball very far, but it goes straight. Furthermore, the old man moves along without wasting any time. When they reach the 9th fairway, the young man is facing a tough shot. A large pine tree sits in front of his ball, directly between it and the green. After several minutes pondering how to hit the shot, the old man says, “You know, when I was your age, I’d hit the ball right over that tree.” With the challenge before him, the young man swings hard, hits the ball, watches it fly into the branches, rattle around, and land with a thud a foot from where it had started. “Of course,” says the old man, “when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall.”
A young man gathers his courage and decides to come out as being gay to his mother and father
They're both reasonably shocked, but are very supportive. They assure him that they still love him, and wish he'd told them sooner. Everything seems to be going great, until the father poses a question to his son that makes the young man really think. "How are you going to focus on college if you're spending all your time being a moderator on Reddit?"
I hit a rat with my car today
It left a ro-dent
What’s an opinion without 3.14?
An onion
I once knew a dyslexic, agnostic, paranoid insomniac.
He'd lie awake at night wondering if there's a dog.
I never use pushpins at work so my boss called the police. Now I’m going to jail.
They’re charging me with tacks evasion.
They say sex sells…
Probably because you can’t spell advertisements without semen between the tits.