Toe jam flavored Doughnut š©
Because your side projects are just an excuse to make a new framework, right?
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What do you call a coughing dinosaur?
A Bronchosaurus!
When I was learning to drive, my driving instructor told me that I should wear a seatbelt because if I were to crash, the force could throw me out of the car.
I canāt believe that the fool thinks Star Wars is real.
I hired an expert to exorcise my house, but I canāt afford to pay them.
Now Iām afraid theyāll come back to repossess my house.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty…
I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke
What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath? Throw in your laundry. The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit." We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he choked on a sock."
My wife told me to stop obsessing over a certain footballer.
So I said, "I'm not at your Beckham call."
I used to have a fear of hurdles
But I got over it.
Did you hear what they are going to call the generation of kids born 9 months from now?
Children of the quarn.
Thats what happens when you follow Dr. Trumpās shady medical advice. You slightly croak.
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Friend told me to stop filing taxes and go watch anime with him
but this isn't even my final form.
What did the robber say after blowing up Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!
How many Game of Thrones seasons does it take to change a lightbulb?
Eight, if you want to screw it completely.
The other day my best friend met his fate after accidentally falling into a printing press at work.
You probably read about him, he was in all the papers.
An old man lived alone. His only son was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son.
Dear Son, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I wonāt be able to plant my potato garden this year. Iām just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison. Love, Dad Shortly, the old man received this telegram: āFor Heavenās sake, Dad, donāt dig up the plot. Thatās where I buried the GUNS!!ā At 4 a.m. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns. Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what had happened, and asked him what to do next. His sonās reply: āGo ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad. Itās the best I could do for you, from here.ā
Today I actually saw a dwarf prisoner climbing down a wall
I thought to myself, ānow thatās a little condescendingā
I have an EpiPen
My friend gave it to me when he was dying. It seemed important for him that I have it.
If God had low self esteem, would that make him an atheist?
Because he doesnāt believe in himself
I have a lot of unemployment jokes
But none of them work
Dont have sex with sad people.
They're just trying to fill a hole.
Patches of land are the only thing I find upsetting
it takes a lot to offend me
Whats the difference between a Cactus and a School bus?
A cactus has all the little pricks on the outside.
Did you hear about the new restaurant in town called Karma?
There is no menu. You get what you deserve.
“Hello I’d like to register for mime classes”
"Ah, say no more"
The person who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
A slice of Apple Pie is $2.50 in Jamaica, $2.75 in Aruba and $3.00 in the Bahamas
Those are the the pie rates of the Caribbean
I have an irrational fear of empty spaces
Nothing scares me
My boss asked me if I could perform under pressure.
I said no but I do I a pretty good bohemian rhapsody.
Do you want to hear my impression of an extractor fan?
āI used to love tractors.ā
My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes, I can get anal.
Please upvote because I want this house to be spotless.
Did you hear about the frog that was raised by bunnies?
All it could say was "rabbit".
Have you ever tried eating a clock?
Itās really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds.