Together alone?
A man in a Florida supermarket tried to buy half a head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant told him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persisted and asked to see the manager. The boy said he'd ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager: 'Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.' As he finished his sentence, he turned to suddenly find the man standing right behind him, so quickly he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.' The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later, the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?' ‘Canada, sir,' the boy replied. 'Well, why did you leave Canada?' the manager asked. The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.' ‘Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada.' ‘No shit?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
A bodybuilder and a Blonde
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have!" He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He takes off his pants and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!" The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"
My girlfriend called me today and told me that she was HIV+
It's always hard to act surprised
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
There’s a dodgy looking man standing by my car with slippers on.
He seems confused as to why my car would dress like that.
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
I keep getting mixed up between claustrophobia and homophobia.
Which is the one about being in a closet?
My dad died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type for the blood transfusion
As he was dying he kept insisting “be positive”but it’s hard without him.
I want to hear 99 people sing ‘Africa’ by Toto.
It’s something that a hundred men or more could never do.
During my prostate exam, my doctor told me it’s perfectly normal to become aroused and even ejaculate.
That being said, I still wish he hadn’t.
Never iron a four leaf clover…
You don't want to press your luck…
Why do Jewish men have to be circumsized?
Because a Jewish woman won’t touch anything unless it’s 20% off.
I went to Legoland last week
People were lined up for blocks
My mate Dave’s always been the kind of bloke that gets stressed over everything, but lately he doesn’t seem like he’s got a care in the world.
“Why are you so laid back all of a sudden?” I asked him. “I’ve hired a professional to worry about all my problems for me,” he replied. “Only costs me a grand a week.” “A grand a week? How the hell are you going to afford that?” I asked. “Fuck knows. That’s his problem.”
What did the llama say when he was getting evicted?
“I guess alpaca my bags.”
An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve
The Englishman admires it and says "Look at them, calm, reserved, and proper, they were surely English." The Frenchmen laughs and replies "They are naked and beautiful, there is no doubt they would be French." The Russian slowly shakes his head "No clothes, no house, no possessions, they have only an apple to eat, and they are told this is paradise. My friends, they are definitely Russian."
(P+L)(A+N) = PA+PN+LA+LN
Ha! I just foiled your plan!
My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.
Damn near poked my eye out.
Dave walks into a bar
He is served a pint of lager. "1 penny please" said the barman "1 penny? a pint of lager is just 1 penny? said Dave "That's right, all beers are just a penny today" said the barman. after he had about 5 pints, he asks for a bottle of wine "That's also a penny a bottle, in fact you can have 3 bottles of wine for just 2 pennies" said the barman. Dave can't believe it, this is the greatest bar ever. He orders 100 bottles and still has change in his wallet. "How much for a whiskey" he asks "Whiskey is free today, in fact all spirits are free..what would you like? said the barman Dave orders every full bottle from all the shelves and calls for a taxi to take him home and to load up all the booze. Before he leaves he says to the barman "Sir, you are the greatest bar owner I have ever met" "Oh I'm not the owner" said the barman "I just work here" "Where's the owner?" asks Dave "He's in a hotel somewhere with my wife" "What's he doing with her there there?" asks Dave The barman replied "The same thing I'm doing to his business"
Some bloke walked up to the counter and said..
“Burger and chips, please.” “Certainly, Sir,” I replied. “Are you eating in or taking out?” “Fuck off you cunt,” he snapped, before walking off with his food. I love working in the prison canteen.
How do you make any boat a hat?
You flip it over and it becomes capsized.
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled back, "Nah, I didn't pay for my haircut!"
I’ve discovered the optimal way to survive the great 2020 toilet paper pandemic
Just stop giving a shit