Toilet paper shortage is real :(
Wife: Stop being an idiot. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.
It’s impossible to put down!
Why teddy bears don’t go to the gym?
They don't wanna get ripped
A man with no arms and legs was sun baking on the beach.
A gorgeous blonde was walking past him, stopped for a second with a tang of pity in her eyes. “Have you ever had a hug?” She asked. “No.” So with an “aww”, she gave him a big hug. Two minutes later, another beautiful woman was walking past the man. “Aw look at you honey. Have you ever been kissed?” “No.” He says. She leans down and gives him a passionate kiss. Another few minutes pass and another stunning lady walks past. “Oh you poor thing…Have you ever been fucked?” “No.” “Well you will be soon, the tides coming in.”
My friend said she didn’t understand how cloning worked
"That makes two of us"
Started a new job recently and my fiance asked me if there was a gym in my building…
I said, not sure I haven't met everyone yet. She was not amused.
I’d never let my children watch the orchestra
There's too much sax and violins
You know the thing about holy water
I don't see the use of water with holes
William Shatner has discontinued his new line of lingerie.
Apparently, Shatner panties wasn’t the best choice for a name.
Damn girl are you a reddit user?
Because you give me the same fucking shit, day after day!
Someone stole my Microsoft Office, and they’re going to pay.
You have my word
I got an email saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backward.”
And I thought, “that’s just spam”.
I counted 1500 lockdown protesters in our city.
Hold on, it's 900. Edit: No, wait, it's 500.
I just learned the medical name for viagra
Mycoxaflopin
I once had sex with a girl in an apple orchard
I then came in cider.
My wife divorced me so I took her wheelchair…
Guess who came crawling back?
A man tells his friend, “I know a guy who has a small dick and sounds like an owl.”
His friend asks, "Who?"
God made a pie and called it Earth.
He needed to cool the crust, so he put it on the mantle.
Halfway thru this sprint and team finds out last epic’s output ain’t functioning
https://ift.tt/2K4tudp
If you were anti-pencil, would you be eracist?
No text found
What did the grape say when it was stepped on?
Nothing…. it just let out a little wine.
Imagine the titanic with a lisp..
It’s unthinkable
