Told my wife i was so stressed that only a blowjob would help.
She asked where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night.
I caught my sister masturbating with a carrot.
I was going to eat that later but it will only taste like a carrot now
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
Juan comes to US/Mexico border on a cycle…
…with 2 large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in those bags?" "Sand," answered Juan. The guard says, "We'll see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bag and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analysed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and let's him cross the border. A week later the same thing happened. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his through examination and discovers that the bag contains nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on bycycle. This sequence of events is repeated every day for 3 years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him by coincidence. "Hey buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about and I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling." Juan sips his corona and says, "Bicycles."
My friend claims he can build a gun using his new 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
To the person who stole my lamp, my coffee and my parrot:
I dont know how you sleep at night
I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember aren’t the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months……
Whoever fucked this up should be stabbed! Edit: Thank you everyone for the awards!
Genie: “What’s your first wish?”
Steve: "I wish I was rich." Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
So long boiling water, you will be mist
No text found
What’s Batman’s favorite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA BA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA grapefruit
My wife’s mother is a lawyer.
I have a mother-in-law.
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
One plant says to the other, hey, are you hungry?
Well, I could use a light snack.
I tripped in France
Eiffel over
It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.
A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him: “Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died” The man looked at Saint Peter and said “Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife was having an affair, so I left work early and came home to catch her in the act! When I got home, sure as shit there she was naked in bed! I looked all over the apartment but I couldn’t find the guy anywhere so I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and there he was! Hanging over the edge by his fingertips! I ran inside, grabbed a hammer, and started smacking his hands and fingers with it! He finally let go and fell down 25 stories but he landed in some bushes, so I ran inside and grabbed the refrigerator and heaved it over the balcony down on top of him, crushing him and killing him! But the strain and exertion from picking up the refrigerator gave me a heart attack and I died.” Saint Peter let out a faint chuckle, and since it was a crime of passion, he decided to let this poor soul in. Another man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter told this man the same thing, that in order to get in he had to make St. Peter laugh. The second guy told him about how he died. “Well St. Peter, it was awful, I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th story apartment when a flock of birds came out of nowhere and startled me! I fell over the railing but managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below me. All of a sudden, some maniac came outside and started hitting my hands with a hammer until I let go! Luckily, I landed in some bushes but then this guy dropped a freaking refrigerator on me!” Saint Peter chuckled again, let the second man into heaven, and decided he could really start to enjoy his job. A third man came walking up to the pearly gates. Saint Peter gave his speech to this third man and then told him: “Tell me about the day you died” “Oh man Saint Peter you’re never gonna believe this! Alright so picture this…I’m butt naked hiding in a refrigerator…”
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid.
He says he can stop anytime.
Will glass coffins become popular?
Remains to be seen
He’s going to want legal immunity in exchange for leaving after he gets beat.
https://ift.tt/34feAtl
Two nuns stand by the road, holding a sign..
"The way you've taken is wrong, stop and turn back now, before it's too late!" The next busy driver, who looks at the inscription, shows a sparse finger and disappears behind the curve. A second later a loud crash is heard. One of the nuns thoughtfully says, -Sister, shall we just write: "Attention, the bridge is demolished?"
Can we take a serious moment to raise awareness about the North Atlantic Garbage Patch?
Not enough people really talk about England very much
A man and his wife are fast asleep in bed when the phone rings…
The man picks up, listens for a second and says, 'How the hell would I know, you idiot? I'm not a weatherman,' before slamming down the receiver. 'Who was that?' asks his wife. 'Wrong number. It was some jerk asking if the coast was clear.'
I found an alien masturbating in my freezer last night. I asked him what on earth he was doing in there.
He said, “I cum in peas.”
A man enters a cafetaria and is welcomed by a pretty girl behind the counter. While browsing through the menu, he notices that its last item reads: ‘handjob – $15’.
The girl asks: 'Can I help? 'Yes,' says the man, 'the handjob, are you the one giving them?' The lady winks and says: 'I sure am, handsome!' The man: 'Could you then wash your hands, I'd like to order a hamburger.'
Whoever wins the MegaMillions jackpot will make history
They'll be the first billionaire to pay taxes
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Apparently my friends started a hula hooping club but never told me about it.
They kept me out of the loop.
A patient bursts into his therapist’s office and shouts, “Doc, you gotta help me. I keep dreaming that I’m trapped in a deck of cards!”
The therapist turns from his current patient and says, "I'm busy now. I'll deal with you later."
What do you call the Italian hood?
The Spaghetto.
After you die, what part of the human body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils; they dilate.
I was going to start a bourbon company,
but I heard it's whiskey buisness.
So Boris Johnson has tested positive for COVID-19…
Anyone else concerned with how quickly the virus has jumped from human to politician?
A bodybuilder and a blonde
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have!" He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He takes off his pants and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!" The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"
So I divorced my cross-eyed wife…
We didn’t see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.