Tonight I took my son to hockey practice and realized my wife forgot to pack his jersey from the dryer.
She told me she had everything, and I was in a rush. So it got left behind. Figured it out right away as we were getting him changed and messaged my wife. She said she would bring it right away. I told my son "You mom is going to run your jersey over"
Without skipping a beat, he replied "Well that won't work, practice will probably be over. I wish she would just drive it over"
Then he gave me a huge grin. I told him he won the dad joke of the day and he continued smiling all the way until bedtime.
I was born with two kidneys,
Now I've got two adult knees.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
I told my wife I had the body of a young muscled and sexy man, she laughed real hard and me fun of me
Until she looked in the closet
Happy National Limerick Day!! Here’s the classic one for you if you didnt know it.
There once was man from Nantucket Who's dick was so long he could suck it He said with a grin, as he wiped off his chin If my ear were a cunt, I could fuck it.
I went to a zoo that only had a dog in it.
It was a shih tzu
Gay jokes aren’t funny
Cum on guys
I was feeling very lonely so I bought some shares…
It’s nice to have a bit of company…
In the United States, you’re American.
But in the bathroom, European.
Why do sperm cells look like commas and apostrophes?
They often interrupt periods and lead to contractions.
A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven
A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven. God himself was there and told him he would be happy to answer any questions the man might have – about anything across the entirety of Space and Time. So of course the man said – "Was I right? Is the earth actually flat?" and God chuckled and said "Of course not". The man shook his head in disbelief, shaken to his very core, before murmuring "…this goes even higher than I thought…"
What is the most popular animal in Reddit?
A karmadillo.
My wife got really mad at me because I have no sense of direction.
So i packed my stuff and right.
I was asked if I would accept $100,000 if it meant that the person I hated the most got $200,000.
I said "Sure. Why wouldn't I want $300,000?"
In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack.
Those damn moose limbs.
Did you hear about the guy who was handing out awards to couples that cheat?
He was medaling in other people’s affairs.
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
Gag My wife told me this one to me. Not my joke
So President Trump got into his Bunker because of the Riots.
As a german Guy I can say from experience that from this moment its not getting any better.
If all ‘t’s were silent…
…we'd never hear the end of it.
What is a pirate’s favorite type of music?
You would think it'd be ARR and B, but it turns out he's very into hip hop.
What do you call the owner of a waterproof clothing company?
The head poncho.
![Eight missed calls from [chain restaurant]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/7J01bKc-400x439.jpg)
A coach is looking after a young ice hockey team
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. "Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. "So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head." Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'adumb a–hole', is it?" Again the little boy nodded. "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
There once was a guy named Dave,
Who dug up a whore from a grave. She was moldy and sh1tty, And only had one titty But look at the money he saved!
I saw glass coffins are now a thing and I wonder if they’ll be popular?
Remains to be seen
After you die, what part of your body is the last to stop functioning?
Your pupils. They dilate.
I own a pen that can write under water
It can write other words too
![[frowns in upside down]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/4ehe6q42lqd21-400x711.png)
What do you call a wandering nun?
A "roamin" Catholic.
As an American, I see a lot of jokes here saying that America is the dumbest country.
It's ridiculous and unfair. Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country.
Why do programmers prefer dark mode?
Cause light attracts bugs.
What sound do ceiling fans make?
CEILING! CEILING! CEILING! CEILING!
If you hold your pee
urine trouble
Three days ago, in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic, Donald Trump was visited by the ghost of George Washington.
"George," Trump asked, "how can I fix this? How do I make America great again?" "Never tell a lie." "I don't lie. Go away." Two days ago, he was visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson. "Hey, Tom, how do I fix this? How can I make America great again?" "Listen to the people." "I know what I'm doing. I listen to the best people. The best ones." Last night, while down at Mar-a-Lago, he was visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. "Hey, Abe, how do I fix this? How can I make America great again?" "Go see a play."
I’m happy for Nintendo’s success.
It's like a switch went off in their head a few years ago…
A Marine, A Navy SEAL, and a Delta Force member are sitting around a fire….
The marine says, "I once killed 50 enemy combatants with a single belt of my M249." The Navy SEAL says, "I wiped out an entire enemy compound with my K-Bar." The two look at the Delta Force and expect him to pipe up, but he just stares at the fire, stirring the coals with his penis.