Tonight was foreign culture night in my house so I decided to cook a traditional dish from Pompeii
I wanted to tell a yoga joke.
But it was a bit of a stretch.
A dollar !
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to one of his customers, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters from the barber instead of the dollar bill?” The boy replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game will be over!” 😛 😀
My son took some exams to become a pirate
He kept getting high C's
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My dad suffers from short term memory loss…
I hope it doesn't run in the family because my dad has it too.
“Won’t you kiss me, doctor”, asks a beautiful woman.
"No, it would be against my code of ethics," says the doctor. "Please, just one kiss," begs the woman. "It's completely out of question," he goes on. "I shouldn't even really be having sex with you."
Pope gets a lesson
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross. The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David. Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite!" The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said: "Moishe, would you look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"
Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school and Fred is all excited.
“Man I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude’s house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!” “No way!” “Yes way,” insists Fred, “come with me and check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me.” – Twenty minutes later they’re ringing the doorbell at the place. A middle-aged lady opens and Fred eagerly asks her, “Hi! I’m sorry to bother you but there was a party at your house yesterday and my friend doesn’t believe that you have toilet bowls of pure gold!” – The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells into the inside of the house, “Roger, the pig that shat in your trombone is here!”
Joe Biden may not be exciting to liberals (myself included), but let’s keep perspective here
https://ift.tt/2THaNAY
Why did Karen press CTRL + Alt + Delete?
She wanted the Task Manager.
I told my dad I want to see Spider-Man: Far From Home
He said, "But son, it's the same film if you watch it here."
WHAT DO WE WANT?! Low flying airplane noises! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?!
Neeeeeeeeeeeooowwwwwwwwwww.
I went on a tea marathon last night.
After 5 chamomiles, I was exhausted.
My cousin’s allergic to shellfish, and I giggled as I told him I put clams in his soup.
You should've seen his reaction…
So it turns out dogs can’t operate MRI scanners
Luckily for me, catscan
Why did the banker push down the old lady
He was checking her balance
This man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks: “What’s the matter?”…
"I found out my brother is gay" The next day the same man goes to the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey. The bartenders asks: "You're back. What's wrong this time?" "I found out that my son is gay." The next day, the same man goes to the bar again and orders 20 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks: "Ok sir. What's the matter this time?" "I found out that my dad is gay." The next day, the same man goes to the bar again and orders 50 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks: "Does anyone in your family like women?" "Apparently my wife does."
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him..
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog…
My family just celebrated the 200th anniversary of owning a buffalo farm!
Yep. It's our bison-tennial.
Toasters
Were the first form of pop up notifications
A Chinese guy in the U.S. goes to exchange his currency.
He exchanges C¥10,000 and gets US$1,500. The next day, he exchanges another C¥10,000, but gets only US$1,499. He asks why. The exchange clerk says, “Fluctuations.” The Chinese guy is shocked for a moment, and yells back, “Fluctuamelicans!”
If you slap Dwayne Johnson’s ass
You hit rock bottom
When taking a calculus exam, make sure you don’t sit between identical twins.
Because it’s hard to differentiate between them.
I think my phone is broken…
I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.
A girl sleeps with a bunch of dudes and she’s a slut. But what’s a man who does the same thing?
Gay. Definitely at least a little gay.
TIL: Children are born with four kidneys.
When they get older, two of them become adult knees.
I went to the doctor and he cloned me without my permission.
I was beside myself.
Why did the turtle retire and move to the south pole?
He couldn't handle any more hare-racing adventures
You know, my hen counts her own eggs…
She’s a mathemachicken
How does the kid tell you that their grandparents called?
60s kids: Grandma called. 70s kids: Gramps called. 80s kids: Granny called. 90s kids: Grandmother called. Kids now: Boomerang.
Ah yes, forget the fact that the cost of college increased at least 260% since 1980
https://ift.tt/2PbrZNy
I saw a man in the street with a dog and a white stick. I said ‘You must be blind.’ He said ‘Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.’
So I said ‘There’s a tree over there.’
