too fucked off
Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!
Doctor: Wow! That’s the worst case of Parking Son’s disease I have ever seen.
Bilbo awoke one morning to find that a Tesco supermarket had been built next to his house
That's an unexpected item in the Baggins area!
Hunter…
Two hunters fly to Kenya, where they bag six gazelles. As the crew is loading the small plane to return, the pilot says the aircraft can take only four gazelles back. “Last time, the pilot let us take all six, and he had the same plane as yours,” argues the first hunter. Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and takes off. But the little plane is too heavy, and it goes down. Climbing out of the wreckage, the second hunter turns to the other. “Any idea where we are?” The first replies, “I’d say we’re pretty close to where we crashed last time.” Edit: omg thank you guys so much for the 50 upvotes, never had this before! ReEdit: OMFG you guys are so awesome, 100 upvotes i can'belive it. Thank you sooooo much!
So a guy is walking with a young girl into the woods.
Girl "It is getting dark out and I am getting scared" Man "How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone."
They’ve just found Jeffery Epstein’s diary.
His last entry was about twelve years old.
What haunts a chicken coop?
Poultrygeist
My girlfriend changed a lot since she became vegan
It's like I have never seen herbivore
I believe in the vagina like other people believe in God.
I've never seen one before, but I have faith.
A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that’s the last thing I need.
This joke has me dead.
If shotgun slugs are inside shotgun shells…
Does that make them shotgun snails?
My instructor just told me that I’m not cut out to be a mime
It must have been something I said
I’ve washed my hands so many times this week
That I revealed cheat notes from a calculus test from 1972
It was a boys first day on the pirate ship.
He asked the Pirate Captain. “Why do you have a wooden leg?” The Pirate Captain replied. “Argh. I was swimming in the ocean and a shark bit me leg off so I have this wooden peg to replace what’s gone”. The boy then asked. “Why do you have a hook for a hand?” The Pirate Captain said. “Argh. I was swimming in the ocean and a shark bit me hand off so I have this hook to replace what’s gone”. The boy finally asked. “Why do you have a glass eye?” The Pirate Captain lowered his head slightly and replied. “A grain of sand blew up off the deck and got in me eye”. The boy stood there confused. The Pirate Captain, raising his head back up, said to the boy. “Argh. It was me first day with the hook”.
A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, “Mom, I have someone for you to meet!”
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning." He knew he was not going to get lucky that night. The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?" He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
Why did the tofu cross the road?
To prove it was just as good as chicken!
3 men were in a boat. There were 4 cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.
So they threw one into the sea and the whole boat became a cigarette lighter.
Whats the hardest thing about having sex with a blind woman?
Getting her husband's voice juuust right
A man is explaining to his coworker that he never realized how much his wife loved him until he was home sick from work the previous day.
“Really?” the coworker asks. “What showed you she really loved you?” “She was just really excited to have me around,” the man replied. “Like when the mailman and FedEx guy came to the door she shouted excitedly, ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!’”
I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.
She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the backdoor." Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that everyday.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Take off the ring and say goodbye to your house.
You know what they say about cliffhangers..
No text found
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. Bartender asks him what’s with the steering wheel? He replies…
"Arghhh, I don't know but it's been drivin' me nuts all day"
Got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city..
Being a city bus driver is a dream come true.
My astrology teacher asked me about my horoscope.
I said, "I'm not too fussy as long as it doesn't have ghosts in."
I used to really enjoy political jokes…
Unfortunately, too many of them got elected.
Self isolation is getting so bad I’m starting to crush on my roommate.
And we’ve been married more than 27 years!
What did the solar panel say to the soul man
SOUL POWER
My wife is like a plunger.
She is very good in bringing up old shit.
What kind of school do belly buttons go to?
Navel academies.
My grandpa used to tell this one all the time….How do you make Holy Water?
You boil the hell out of it.
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One will see you later, the other will see you in a while.
There’s only one thing that beats a beautiful girl with an amazing voice
And that’s Chris Brown