too funny
All these shelter in place protests, the signs all say the same thing…oh Karen….
https://ift.tt/2yrl65k
Two dogs, a Doberman and a German Shepherd, are in the vet’s waiting room, and the German Shepherd says to the other “What are you in for?”
"Oh," says the Doberman, "I went for the postman. He said I ought to be put down, but my owner pleaded with him until he said that if she got me castrated instead then he wouldn't take it any further. So that's what I'm in for. How about you?" "Oh," says the German Shepherd, "my owner was cleaning the kitchen floor in her bathrobe, and while she was reaching for something under the fridge, her bathrobe fell off, and she looked and smelled so good that I mounted her then and there." "Oh," says the Doberman, "so you're in to be castrated as well?" "No," says the German Shepherd, "just to get my claws clipped."
Harry Potter can’t tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate.
They're both cauldron.
How do you tell the sex of an ant?
Put it in water If it sinks girl ant If it floats boyant
Why do the Hong Kong police wake up so early in the morning?
To beat the crowd.
How To Fall Down The Stairs:
Step 1: Step 2: Step 5: Step 8: Step 14:
A guy is talking to a girl
A guy is talking to a girl : "Everytime I see your smile, I want to take you to my place" "Oh ! You think I'm pretty ?" "No, I'm a dentist."
Friends are like snow
When you pee on them, they disappear.
Little Emily went home from school and told her mum that the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels because she’s very good at them. Mum said, “You should say “No”, they only want to look at your knickers.”
Emily said, "I know they do. That's why I hide them in my bag"!
My wife treats me as if I’m a god.
She acts like I don't exist until she wants something.
Does anyone know if we can start taking showers yet?
Or are we still just washing our hands?
What else could he say??
A young couple decided to take their 5 year old son to see the circus. After several amazing acts, the ringmaster led six bull elephants into the center ring, linked trunk to tail in the usual manner. "What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Mommy?" Little Johnny asked. "That's his trunk, honey," Mom replied. "No, that other thing," Johnny insisted. "Oh, you must be looking at his tail," Mom offered. "No, Mommy, that big thing underneath him, by his belly," Johnny said. Realizing her son was asking about the elephant's penis, Mom got embarassed. "Oh, that's nothing, sweetie. Daddy went to get some popcorn. When he comes back, he can tell you all about the elephants." Soon, Dad came back with popcorn, and Mom went to use the restroom. Johnny took the opportunity to question his father. "What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Daddy?" "That's his trunk, son," Dad said. "No, Daddy, not his trunk, and not his tail. I mean that big thing underneath, by his belly," Johnny repeated. "Oh, that," Dad said. "That's his penis, Johnny." "Huh," mused the five year old. "Mommy said that was nothing." "Son," sighed Dad, "I've spoiled that woman."
My girlfriend asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order
I probably should've stopped when I got to her name
What do you call a 1 armed man who does karate?
Partial arts
A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.
So he walks down to the nearby store only to find that it's closed. He goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. While at the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers together, and then one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes that its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he leaves. When he arrives home, his wife is waiting for him and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!" she asks. "Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and… "You liar!! You went bowling again!!"
James Somerton explains why he made a second βapologyβ video.
James Somerton explains why he made a second βapologyβ video.
Three years ago I mistakenly bought my son a giant conch shellβ¦
I have a son whoβs on the spectrum. Itβs quite common for people like him to latch onto one specific topic and become an absolute encyclopedia about it. Some people choose trains, some a cartoon. For my son, this was mollusks. Interesting topic I know, but it seemed to be a pretty good deal for us because it meant heβd get really excited about going outside to the beach which we figured was healthier than staying inside all the time. Heβd always have a shell with him, or in his pocket. Usually he doesnβt want to talk much, but if you opened the conversation to it, heβd sit there rattling off facts about mollusks for hours. This was shaping up to be a long term passion, so for his 15thΒ birthday I went out and bought him a giant conch shell. He absolutely loved it. The texture, holding it to his ear etc. It was too big to carry around with him all the time, but he kept it by his bed. Fast forward three years, this is where things get weird. About a month ago I was cleaning his room and picked up the conch to dust it off, something Iβve never actually done before. I was immediately hit by a terrible smell β I donβt want to get too into the gross details but Iβm a dude, a once 18 year old dude, so I know what happens when you use something to masturbate and donβt clean it. Iβm sure we all know what that smells like even after a week. It was pretty clear he had been using this shell as a kind of Strombidae fleshlight for a long, long time without cleaning it. Iβm not going to share too much about what happened when this all came to light, but we tried taking it away and my god youβd think we just took his whole world. We decided to give the shell back, but worried this reflected a deeper issue my partner and I decided to get some professional help. So itβs been about a month of him seeing a behavioural therapist, and she recently asked me about his progress at home. I told her itβs been incredibly promising so far. Heβs really starting to come out of his shell.
“Beatles or Stones?” I asked my son.
"Why can't I just have something normal for dinner?" he pleaded
Life is like a dick
Some times its up, sometimes its down, but it wont be hard forever. Too bad life is short.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.
Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek. The old lady thinks, βI bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.β The blonde thinks, βI bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him.β The Frenchman thinks, βI bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.β The Englishman thinks, βI canβt wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.β
Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish.
The results speak for themselves.
Kate is a pretty name, it’s the name I would want to give to one of my twin daughters.
I would name the other one "DupliKate'
If you drop a plate of roasted pork…
…are you still considered ham-fisted?
What do you call a rectangle that got into an accident?
… a wrecked angle.
Three guys are staying on the top floor of a 600 story hotel.
They return from a party one night and discover that the elevator is broken, so they have to take the stairs to the 600th floor. They decide that in order to pass the time each of them would tell a story. For the first 200 floors, someone would tell a happy story, then for the next 200 one would tell a scary story, and for the last 200 one would tell a sad story. This strategy worked well for the first 400 floors. It was now time for the last guy to tell a sad story. For the next 100 floors, the last guy tried his best to come up with a story that would move his friends to tears, when finally, he stopped on the stairs. "Guys. I have a sad story now." The others stop and face him. "I left the keys in the lobby."
People say circumcision doesnβt hurt, but i have to disagree.
I was circumcised when I was born and I couldnβt walk for nearly a year. So check your facts.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
How many introverts does it take to change a light bulb?
Why must it be a group activity?
What does a house wear?
Address