Too literal?
My dad has a camera pointing at the river outside
He likes to keep up with current events.
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage,
when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he is rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He would come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He would come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
Me- “Do you know in middle east most of married girls can’t even vote on Facebook opinion poll”.
Friend- "That's not true, there is no such law anywhere in middle east". Me- "Yeah, but you need to be above 13 to use Facebook".
As a single Dad, I tried flirting with the check-in girl at the airport while loading my kids’ suitcases.
But she just kept saying I had too much baggage.
A woman went to a dance and hit it off with a guy there.
They both liked what they saw and decided to go back to his place. One thing led to another, and soon they gravitated to the bedroom and proceeded to undress. The first thing he removed was his socks and shoes. She noted his feet were withered and crooked. When asked, he responded that when he was six, he contracted toe-lio. She looked at him confused. “You mean polio?” He shook his head and replied, “No…toe-lio.” He then took off his pants. His knees were knobby and gnarled. She asked him what was up with that. He told her, “When I was eight, I got the kneesles.” “You mean measles?” “No…kneesles.” Then he removed his underwear. She sighed… “Let me guess. When you were ten, you got small cocks?”
I never understood why people don’t get along with vegans.
I’ve never had a beef with one.
How do you turn a three dimensional printer into a four dimensional printer?
Just give it time.
My friend asked if I wanted to play Yahtzee.
I said "no dice."
How To Date During A Corona Virus Lock Down And Quarantine & Best Date Ideas To Do When Everything Is Shut Down.
https://youtu.be/r_yF1FNcH4Q
Be careful today when searching “Giant Black Hole Pics”
All I keep getting are scientific articles.
I have a fear of overly complicated buildings
I have a complex complex complex
Next Summer I’m applying for a job cleaning mirrors.
It's something I can see myself doing.
I asked a German girl for her number and I’m still waiting for the rest of the numbers
So far all I have is 9.
What part of the body dies last?
The pupils, they dilate
Do you know why I don’t like stairs?
Because they’re always up to something
My mom used to feed me by saying: “Here comes the train!” I always ate everything.
Otherwise she wouldn’t untie me from the tracks.
I was just voted “Least Likely to Succeed” by my graduating class.
I hate being a teacher.
Never date a baker!
They're way too kneady…
How many Game of Thrones seasons does it take to change a lightbulb?
Eight, if you want to screw it completely.
When I was young, at bedtimes…
My mum used to tell me fairy stories with a happy ending. Just one of the benefits of having a masseuse as a parent I guess.
The seminar “How To Avoid Frauds” is cancelled…
Tickets are non-refundable…
Сафари парк львов Тайган
https://ift.tt/33T3qd9
I think it is time to reconsider calling people ‘Karen’. It is rude…
We can all be Karen's in our own ways. I just realized I'm a computer Karen. Every time something is taking too long, or the slightest inconvenience happens, I immediately want to see the task manager. *sorry*
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?
Then it would be a foot.
If you ever feel your job is meaningless…
Just remember that it's somebody's job to install turn signals to BMW's
I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know why.
The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors,
all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally, he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinals that he had some good news and some bad news. The bad news was that the Pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was have sex. Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally, they went to the Pope with the doctor and explained the situation. After some thought, the Pope stated, “I agree, but under four conditions.” The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over the noise a single voice asked, “And what are the four conditions?” The room stilled. There was a long pause. The Pope replied, “First, the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see who she is having sex with. Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear who she is having sex with. And third, she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out who she is having sex with, she can tell no one.” After another long pause a voice arose and asked, “And the fourth condition?” The Pope replied, “Big tits.”
What’s an atom with a bad sense of humor?
Not a laughing matter.
What did the Mexican fireman name his two sons?
José and Hose B
What’s a narcoleptic’s favorite country?
Hibernation
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail
but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.
When does a joke become a dad-joke?
When it's apparent
Did you hear about the guy who’s been pick-pocketing midgets?
I can't believe someone would stoop so low!
The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.
The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?" Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you." Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?" Helen: "No, the gardener did." Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
Two cannibals were eating an entitled kid
One says to the other," Does this taste a bit spoiled?"
It was 11 years ago today.
My buddy James came running into the room, tears streaming down his face, and shouting, “It’s a boy! It’s a boy!” Needless to say, we never went back to Thailand.
What do liquid Draino and a Dutch stripper have in common?
They both slowly remove clogs.
I asked my girlfriend to come to the gym with me and she didn’t turn up
I guess the two of us aren’t going to work out