Too soon?
Bro you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
Never date a tennis player
Love means nothing to them
I used to hate facial hair.
But then it grew on me.
I like my women how I like my whiskey
Strong, Irish, and at least 18 years old.
Four-year-old son unknowingly got me with this one
Me: We need to put on our jackets because it's a little cold outside today. Son after stepping outside: No Dad, it's a big cold
My 72 year old uncle posted this. Not gonna lie, it gave me a bit of a chuckle
https://ift.tt/2GwyuGc
What is a pirate’s favorite type of music?
You would think it'd be ARR and B, but it turns out he's very into hip hop.
What do you call a dinosaur that explodes?
Well I don't know but the Dinomite
I watched my first porn movie today…
…jeeze I was young back then.
A guy with a gun enters a bar.
"Who the fuck had sex with my wife? he snarled angrily A voice was hears in the background, "You don't have enough bullets mate!"
Recently took a poll.
99% of people were annoyed when their tent fell down.
How do you know if an ant is a male or a female?
They're all females, otherwise they'd be uncles
A Roman walks in a bar, holds up 2 fingers and says:
"I'll have 5 beer please."
What do you call a 45 Cents concert?
50 Cents featuring Nickel back
You shouldn’t see any horror movie today
It May, Fri 10 you
How can you scare people with your impression of an elephant?
Turn both of your pants pockets inside out, and say, “hey, you ever seen my impression of an elephant?” while reaching for your zipper.
They said that a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket.
They lied, everyone else has clothes on.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours
They called it a day
My wife complains that I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my bags and right
My wife was upset with me last night for kicking ice cubes under the appliances instead of picking them up…
…but this morning it’s just water under the fridge
To be frank,
I'd have to change my name
Why do nurses need red crayons?
Because sometimes they have to draw blood.
I know global warming is bad
but wouldn't it be kinda funny if dinosaurs made humans go extinct?
I was thinking about the first time machine I ever built.
Ahhh, it takes me back.
What kind of doctor was Dr. Pepper?
A fizzicision
What do you call a magical bra?
An abracadabra.
I went to see an Egyptian doctor to try and fix my back…
He's a Cairo-practor…
A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks.
"We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.
There is a law in my city that people who live somewhere else can’t be buried in any of it’s cemeteries.
It's because they are still alive.
What does Yoda say when he is drunk?
Dear me it appears I have imbibed alcohol in sufficient quantitiy to impair my speech
Your momma’s so fat…
I tried to picture her in my head and it broke my neck.
What has 12 Legs, 12 hands and 12 Eyes?
12 Pirates