Too soon?
[NSFW] I went to the library and asked the librarian if they had the new book about small penises.
She said “I don’t think it’s in yet.” I replied “Yeah, that’s the one.”
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
When does a joke become a Dad Joke ?
When it's fully groan.
What is Greta Thunbergs favourite country?
MadAtGasCar
Did you hear about the hit and run in Nepal?
They found Himalayan in the street!
My daughter was involved in a peekaboo related injury
She’s currently in the I.C.U
If I have twin daughters I’ll name one Kate,
and the other duplikate.
A priest, an imam and a rabbit walk into a blood bank
The rabbit says : I think I might be a type O.
I got pulled over by the police yesterday
I was a bit nervous and a little flustered, so the policeman thought I was under the influence. He gave me a breath test, which I passed, but he was still not convinced. He then called in the sniffer dog, and when it arrived it promptly had a good sniff inside my vehicle. "Look here son", the policeman said to me, sternly. "This dog is telling me you have drugs on you" I looked at him, dead in the eye and said "mate, you're the one with the talking dog"
I asked my friend if he would ever dare to shave his nut sack with a straight razor
He said he tried it once while in college, but it was so bad that he hasn't got the balls to try it again.
What do you call a child with a caffeine addiction?
A tea toddler
Having a mobile makes it really easy to cheat on my wife.
My son stands behind her and texts me what cards she’s got in her hand.
I was having an argument with my friend the other day
He was saying that I didn't understand what irony was! Which was ironic as we were both waiting for a bus at the time.
My hair is tied up
It's got a lot to do today
Why does Oedipus never curse?
He kisses his mother with that mouth.
What do cops say when they have sex?
Stop resisting!
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
I told my wife that she drew her eyebrows a little high when she did her makeup today.
She looked surprised.
“He who lives by the sword, shall die by the sword” said Jesus
the carpenter who was nailed to some wood
Growing up, my teachers told me I was worthless and would never amount to anything in life.
Being homeschooled sucks.
I asked the doctor if I could administer my own anaesthetic…
He said, “Go ahead. Knock yourself out!”
I was going to tell a time-travel joke
but you guys didn't like it
How To Fall Down The Stairs:
Step 1: Step 2: Step 5: Step 8: Step 14:
I’m a social vegan.
I avoid meet.
Does anyone know Bruce Lee’s dad’s name?
It's always been a Mr. Lee to me.
Maybe the phrase shooting fish in a barrel comes from Americans…
Because fish swim in schools.
The only thing that Flat-Earthers fear.
Is sphere itself.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE MATEYYY
In Laughter, the L comes first
The rest of the letters come aughter it.
On average, a panda feeds for approximately 12 hours a day. It’s the same with humans under quarantine.
That’s why it’s called a “Pandemic”.
My friend David had his ID stolen.
Now he's just Dave.
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
I failed my fire safety course when I was asked what steps I would take in case there was an explosion.
“Really large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.
What do you call a man that states the obvious?
A man that states the obvious
A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table.
As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?" The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an efficiency expert visited our restaurant. He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen." The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time." "Wait a minute," said the diner, "How do you get your penis back in your pants?" "Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."