My neighbour's "No Tespassin" sign.
Last week a friend of mine was wearing a condom, when the women’s husband came home and shot him dead
The difference is staggering
They haven’t done anything!
Day 2 of wfh and things are getting pretty weird. The guy I’m supposed to pair with gets pretty annoyed if I don’t pay him attention, but most of what he says about my code is unintelligible. He also seems to never get past the login screen on his computer. I don’t think he’s getting any work done.
I said, "I'm not too fussy as long as it doesn't have ghosts in."
The cornea the better
Scraping those stick family decals off your rear window.
The head poncho.
Because its days are numbered
It was an iDivorce
I just don't buy it.
"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
A Scotsman walked into a bar. There'd normally be an Englishman, Irishman, and a Welshman as well, but they're still in Japan for the Rugby World Cup.
But I turned myself around.
He said Dad why don’t you use a sponge like the other dads?
It would be appropriate to serve meals to them as "Can-a-bull."
a cold shoulder
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.