Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.
I was fired immediately.
Running out of gas!
He said, "It's Private." I said, "Come on, you can tell me."
I walked across the dance floor to get another drink and won the dance contest…
Strong, Irish, and at least 18 years old.
…end up with 'emit'.
Security stops him and says there are no firearms allowed in this building.
The banana nana boo boo
Later in life, i learned that condoms only work 99% of the time.
Me: Yeah, but it’s son day as well.
Apparently you are not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.
They’re always up to something
“I’m going to guess—-around a yard.”
It was historical
The letter G
I told him “I don’t. But i guana learn someday”
He got off with a suspension.
It was a real pain in the ass finding it.
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
I once met a crazed man muttering incoherently about ancient Mesopotamia, but I had to stop him, because…
I didn’t want him to Babylon…
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to hand him the money. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much,to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 year
The second one is a repost.
Because otherwise, it’s FUCKING RAW!!!
The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light. The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light. The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light. The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke. The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied: "I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."
So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano. So the guy asks the bartender, “Where’d he come from?” And the bartender’s, like, “There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wishes.” So the guy runs into the men’s room and, sure enough, there’s this genie. And the genie’s, like, “Your wish is my command.” So the guy’s, like, “O.K., I wish for world peace.” And there’s this big cloud of smoke—and then the room fills up with geese. So the guy walks out of the men’s room and he’s, like, “Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing.” And the bartender’s, like, “No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?” Edit: So apparently there was a joke like this a month ago and I didn't notice, this wasn't a repost.
Now it's just beer.
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
My son asked me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I laughed, “That’s Superman!”
He replied, “Thanks dad! I’ve been practicing a lot!"
Then we could have a Soviet re-Union
….maybe ours will now run on Thyme.
I wrote down the names of everyone I hate a piece of paper, and my roommate used that to roll a joint.
He's now high on the list of people I don't want to see again.