The soldier who survived mustard-gas and pepper-spray….
Is now a seasoned veteran
Dad, why did you name the new baby Teresa?
Well son, Teresa is an anagram. If you rearrange the letters, it spells βEasterβ. -Oh, so you named her that on account of how much you and mom love Easter. Yes, thatβs right, Alan. -Thanks, Dad!
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punch line becomes a-parent
My sister bet me $15 that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta
My son is a man trapped in a womanβs body..
Heβll be born in March.
I tried to steal a window but the guilt was overwhelming.
I could not take the pane.
My kids ask me why I always knock on the refrigerator door before I open it.
I say, "Because there may be a salad dressing."
Whatβs the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
People in Dubai donβt like the Flintstones, but people in Abu-Dhabi-do! -Dad
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fell off a cliff…
Baa-dum-tssss
Why does society seem to hate lazy people?
They didn't even do anything.
I love the way the earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
I really need to get this shit off my chest,
and let my girlfriend know Iβm not into this fetish.
Got a really nice 3 foot ruler today…
I bought it at a Yard sale.
A man goes to a brothel.
The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "May I help you sir?" she asked. The man replied, "I wan to see Valerie." "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else" said the madam. He replied, "No, I must see Valerie." Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. "There are no discounts. The price is still $5000." Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row." "Where are you from?" The man replied, " New Brunswick ." "Really," she said. "I have family in New Brunswick ." "I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney." "She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."
NSFW – A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter’s bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. He replied…………"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
Everyone criticizes Apple Maps, but I enjoyed using it for my road trip from New York to Florida.
There's a lot to do in Chicago.
I finally finished my book about clocks
Its about time
I dreamed about a color once, but when I woke up I realized it wasn’t real.
It was a pigment of my imagination.
Without coins, the US currency would be utter non-cents
No text found
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I’d choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
First joke I’ve ever come up with. So far nobody has laughed
I went to the opticians and they were telling me about revolutionary technology to allow us to see out of different parts such as our arms, nose and even our ass. Intrigued, I asked "when will this technology would be available?" The optician replied "arm and nose is coming in 2019, hindsight is 2020"
What does a house wear?
Address
Why did Donald Trump take Xanax
For Hispanic attacks
Why did Karl Marx only write in lowercase?
Because he hated capitalism.
The FBI, CIA and KGB go into a forest for a rabbit hunting competition.
They each have 2 days to do it and whoever finds a rabbit the fastest wins. First, the FBI go in. They go in with the latest and greatest rabbit locating equipment, and itβs clear that they have prepared for a while. They come back after two days with a rabbit in hand. Next, the CIA go in. Their equipment is not as great as the FBIβs but they still look very prepared. After two days, upon finding no rabbits, they conclude that there is no rabbit, there never was, and everybody was lying to them from the start. Finally, the KGB go in. Everyone is afraid for them, as they are going in with nothing but a couple traps and a baseball bat. However, to everyoneβs surprise, two days later, the KGB come out with a bear, who is bloody and bruised. One of the members pokes the bear in the stomach and the bear starts screaming, βI AM A RABBIT!β
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school yesterday?
He slept all through math.
Me: Officer, are you actually crying while you’re writing me a speeding ticket?
Officer: It was a moving violation
Another character unlocked
Another character unlocked
My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.
She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said "It didn't work out." She told me to be more specific so I said "I just told you, she didn't exercise."