Took me a second
My Salesforce Admin keeps saying “sWiTcH tO LiGhTnInG” but i just love classic!
I used to sell home security systems.
It was super easy. I went door to door and If the customer wasn't home, I'd just leave my brochure and business card on their dining room table.
How the GOP sees Jesus
This man didn’t ever have a GitHub account
A magician worked on a cruise ship…
….the audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, It’s not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot. Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it … With the parrot… They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day… And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said….."Alright, good one but i can't take it any longer, what did you do with the ship???"
My dog ate my computer science homework
It took him a couple of bytes
When you’re not sure of the variable type I guess
What does eating pussy and smoking a cigarette have in common?
The closer you get to the butt the more intense the flavor.
Is this your candidate?
If anyone needs a tip on where to store leftover Halloween candy…
I’ve got a few Twix up my sleeve.
“Bernie wants 52% of your paycheck!!!1!”
I laughed and then cried
I’d tell you a joke about a roof…
But it would be over your head.
Those were the days!🇨🇦
Not a meme
Damn girl are you a newspaper?
Because there's a new issue with you every fucking day.
Guys, to be frank
I would have to change my name.
What if we declared Australia a cathedral?
I had some delicious honey on my toast this morning.
Later as I walked past the hive where it came from I said "Thank you bees for making the best honey in the world." A few shouted back "It's good but we wouldn't say it was the best honey in the world." Oh I thought, they must be humble bees.
Alyssa Milano FTW. Spot on.
It be Like that
How warm is a janitor’s closet?
Did you hear about the recent race to send a cow to space?
The steaks will be higher than ever
The fashion must for this year’s Kentucky Derby
I don’t give a f—
I zipped up my jeans and got my penis caught in the zipper. I painfully shouted out…..
"Username checks out"
He can’t help but shoot himself in the foot every time.
Facebook is so depressing
Why do trees look a little suspicious on sunny days?
They seem a bit shady.
I don’t understand why people celebrate pi day
What does the scrotum of a catholic priest look like?
Stupid question, even a child knows that.
Meanwhile in Finland
Do you know who else discredited the media?
Researchers recreate what Mummy’s voice would sound like
What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD
A trip without the kids.
My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I’m paid to travel.
My dates never seem too happy when I tell them I'm a bus driver.
Never thought I would crosspost from r/memes
Why should I study for chemistry when I can do this
A Joke from my little cousin
Based on a true story
Time to feel stronger
What do you call two oranges rubbing together?
It was you the whole time!
My next Christmas Wish
Do you wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin
Two days ago, I wanted to play hide and seek with kids but couldn’t
Good players are hard to find.
Using Trump quotes on Trumpers
What cereal is addicted to working out?
What do websites and people have in common?
please lower your levels
My wife & I decided to not have children.
We're not kidding.
Want to hear my latest joke about the Fibonacci sequence?
It's as good as my previous two Fibonacci sequence jokes put together!
Has anyone ever bought winrar
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?
BECAUSE THEN IT WOULD BE A FOOT!
Black Hole Rick
Two goldfish in a tank, one turns to the other and says…
"Anybody know how to drive this thing?"
Lions, Humans, music, oh my!
At any moment, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away…
As a scarecrow they said I was outstanding in my field..
But hey, it's in my genes.