Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise
He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.
To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp and my parrot
I don’t know how you sleep at night
What do you call it when it’s raining turkeys?
Fowl weather.
I recently poured concrete for the foundation of a house.
The plot thickens.
My second wife left me because I have “revenge issues”
We'll see about that…
I hate those annoying Russian Dolls…
They're so full of themselves…
In an elementary school English class, kids are learning the word “contagious”. Teacher calls on students, asking them to use it in a sentence.
“Susan?” “I had a flu and mommy made me stay home for 3 days because I was contagious!” “Very good. What about you, Johnny?” “Our neighbor Mrs. Henderson has started painting her fence last night, daddy says it’s gonna take the contagious!”
![Ant monologue [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/aalofaxxb6b41-400x300.jpg)
I was addicted to soap once.
Now I’m clean
My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as inspiration when naming my kids.
However, his sister Chewbacca and his brother Boba Fett are less amused.
ELSEVIER LIBRARY SUBSCRIPTIONN
ELSEVIER LIBRARY SUBSCRIPTIONNHello everyone! I’m Phuong Tran, a medical student and come from VietNam.And I have some elsevier accounts, and I want to share it with everyone. And you can access Scopus, Sciencedirect, Clinicalkey.The account is register by your email and used with two mobile apps and one website. Registration fee is very cheap, 2$ per month and 20$ per year.If you want to register an uptodate account, send to me a message Facebook https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100012033042613 or telegram https://ift.tt/3cIXwzD will subscribe account first, then you will transfer after received your account py Pay Pal.
Ive noticed an uptick in time travel jokes lately
I like them alot. EDIT: Thank you all for the upvotes. EDIT2: Thank you for the gold kind stranger!
Just spent 6 hours linking all my watches together to make a belt…
It was a complete waist of time…
At first I didn’t like having a beard
But then it grew on me
What do you call it when Batman skips church?
Christian Bail
I asked my North Korean friend, “what’s it like to live in North Korea?”
He responded, “can’t complain.”
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
Being cheerful and peppy in the morning is a lot like committing murder.
We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.
Six topless women sounds nice
Dozen Tit??
Mom, I’m dating a man.
-Whom, sweetheart? -Dante the mailman. -Dante the mailman? But he could be your father! -But mom, age is just a number. -Sweetheart, I don't think you understood.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
A blind guy walks into a lesbian bar
But everyone’s cool about it and he’s served his drink. Then, after a few minutes he says, “Hey, bartender; wanna hear a blonde joke?” The place goes dead still. Finally the bartender says, “Look, mister, I know you’re visually challenged and all; I’m gonna cut you some slack. But there’s a few things you should know. “Sitting next to you, on your right, there’s an off-duty cop. She’s armed, and she’s a blonde. On your left you got a martial arts expert with black belts in seven different disciplines. She’s a blonde. At the table behind you, two sisters: a professional wrestling team. Both are blondes. And me, I got a .357 Magnum under the counter. I’m licensed, trained, and it’s loaded. And, you guessed it: I’m a blonde. “So I want you to choose your words carefully before you answer this question: do you still want to tell that blonde joke?” “Aw hell no. Not if I have to explain it five times!”
Why did Buddha start pulling coins out of his butt?
Because change comes from within.
Cremation isn’t free
You have to urn it
![[Legit] What food did you hate as a kid?](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/0n6h41pgyeo11-400x81.jpg)
What’s another name for Vampires?
Neck-romancer
Courtesy of whoever did this originally. I saw the question, and I took the chance.
https://ift.tt/33R4FtB
Where do pirates get their hooks?
The second hand store.
If Satan ever loses his hair…
…there will be hell toupee.
I can speak time
It's my second language
Harry Potter walks into a bar.
Because I put them on his bedroom window.