Took my mother-in-law out last night.
Loving my new sniper rifle.
What did the horse say when it fell down?
"Help, I've fallen, and I cant giddy up!"
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Why do people in Athens hate waking up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.50, deer nuts are under a buck
What do you call a cube with many friends?
A platonic solid
When women wear bikinis, they expose about 96% of their bodies.
But men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.
On what charge was the guy arrested for rearranging his dinner table?
Dish-orderly conduct.
It’s understandable. He’s not used to not getting his own way all of the time.
https://ift.tt/3c8cfUm
I have to tell my girlfriend that I don’t like the fetish she’s into…
But first I need to get some shit off my chest.
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip.”
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door: Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. There are 10 commandments, not 12. There are 12 disciples, not 10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T! When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me." The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry". The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God" Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's. Don't refer to Jesus and the 12 disciples J.C. and the boys.
Did you hear the one about the Jew?
Israeli funny
Without coins, the US currency would be utter non-cents
No text found
I dreamed I saw a color I never saw before
It was just a pigment of my imagination.
Why are there no pharmacies in Africa?
You shouldn’t take medicine on an empty stomach.
The average age to lose your virginity is 17 years old
I'm finally above average for something
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrodinger’s cat…
She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain… do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!" His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"
Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
It’s really time consuming.
Why is it that chinese kids don’t believe in santa?
Because they’re the ones making the toys!
I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she’s sleeping ..
…and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects
I once had sex with a girl in an apple orchard
I then came in cider.
It seems like every Thanksgiving I end up eating leftovers for weeks afterwards…
Not this year though – I'm quitting cold turkey…
My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is.
I told him, 'My door is always open!'
I’m glad China only spread a virus and not a bear.
Otherwise we'd have a pandademic.
A child asked his dad,” how are coins made”.
The dad said," They are made at a mint with a press". Then the child responded," That makes cents".
I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment
So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead
What do flies do at church?
Flyspray
What do affordable healthcare and sarcasm have in common?
Most Americans don't get it.
Did you hear about the butcher that sat on his meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
What is orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
Harry Potter went to his local gym. How did he get to the dumbbell room?
He went through the dumbbell door.
Amazing… she managed to point out her and her father’s amazing ineptitude in one fell swoop.
https://ift.tt/2MvvFYh
Trump received a conference call from his Top General in Iraq.
General: "This morning, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed." Trump's face went Egg shell White. The blood left his face and to every ones amazement he collapsed on the floor. Minutes passed and to every ones relief President Trump sat back on his chair His staff was nothing less than stunned at this display of emotion from their commander in chief, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands, waiting for him to faint again. Finally, the President looks up and with a shaky quivering voice asks the General "How many is a brazillion?"
What’s the difference between USA and USB?
One connects to your devices and accesses your data and the other is a hardware standard.
Shout out to the guy that makes these sausages
In my heart, he'll always be a wiener
What’s something only 10 year olds can do?
Turn 11. My kid asked me that question and they clearly had something else in mind, because she was less than enthusiastic about my response.
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta
What a stark contrast between a functional Government and the Trump administration
https://ift.tt/3bfP76d
I tried to donate blood today… NEVER AGAIN!
So many questions, Who's blood is that? How did you get it? Was the bucket even sanitized before you filled it with blood.
If babies are delivered by a stork,
Then fat babies must be delivered by a crane.