No carpet!
I told my contractor I didn't want carpet on the steps. He gave me a blank stair.
Why are so many plants transgendered?
Because plants have less stygma to stamen.
My teacher asked me how I view lesbian relationships…
Apparently 1080p Full Screen HD wasn't the right answer.
I remember when Mom used to tuck me in
She really wanted a daughter.
My dog is really good at playing fetch
I think I’m going to promote him to branch manager
I was really bored, so I decided to memorize six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
What do Asian cannibals eat?
Raw men
What sneakers to pedophiles wear?
White Vans
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: “5 lamb chops, please.”
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my ass……… It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!
I don’t mean to make sweeping generalizations…
…but all brooms are pretty much the same.
My friend went completely bald years ago, but he still carries a comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.
Does February march?
No, but April may!
Comedian doing crowd work gets an answer he wasn’t ready for and handles it perfectly
https://youtu.be/rV8XhzG_rAg
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punch line is a parent
Wife cheats on her husband with the mailman
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." My husband said, "Screw him, give him a dollar."
Why do ducks have feathers?
To cover their butt quacks.
I called a suicide hotline in Iraq.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
What’s the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist?
A rock guitarist plays 3 chords for 10,000 people A jazz guitarist plays 10,000 chords for 3 people
I identify as an elongated fish.
People say I'm mentally eel.
Every naked person I see turns me on
Said the shower head.
Two dyslexics walk into a bra
No text found
..ever since an attempted mugging last year i have carried a knife.
Since then my muggings have been way more successful.
Don’t mess with Superman in a diner and don’t mess with a Skywalker in a hallway.
Don’t mess with Superman in a diner and don’t mess with a Skywalker in a hallway.
My wife wanted to get into “role play” to spice things up in the bedroom
I asked what she had in mind. "Let's play doctor", she said. I told her to go in the bedroom, shut the door, take off all of her clothes and wait on the bed for me. After a half an hour I walked in, told her to lose 20 lbs. and handed her a bill for $300.
How did Helen Keller know an angel was always watching over her?
It was Heaven-scent
The girl with the big booty and a lisp wasn’t at work
She must have called in thick
Made a little something you can send to people who should just use a search engine
https://ift.tt/3h73Eon
I get depressed if I don’t play video games.
I always need to console myself.
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
What’s the difference between a dad and a grill?
A grill runs out of gas
A French nobleman’s estate was destroyed during the French Revolution.
The results were château-strophic.
I’m really upset! Someone stole my limbo stick!
I mean how low can you go!?