Top Pun
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
Why did no one in the King’s court laugh when the king farted?
Because noble gases don't cause a reaction.
Just walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.
Well, that was a trip down memory lane.
Yesterday I met Sally, a young woman who operates a battery kiosk at our local community park.
Sally sells C-cells by the Seesaw.
Why did the cake go to the doctor?
It was a coughee cake.
Professor X to JK Rowling:
Professor X: "What's your power?" JK Rowling: "I can rewrite the past of fictional characters." Gay Professor X: "Interesting."
A family of buffalo are sending their boy off to kindergarten. The teary-eyed mom is hugging her kid.
Dad just waves and says, "Bison".
My country has so many thieves who try to steal the cat. So i have to do this =3=
https://ift.tt/2Yt7DTW
Why are gay people always laughing
Because they can't keep a straight face
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters. Wife: Never H: Pistol, 3 letters. W: Gun H: Disgust, 3 letters. W: Ugh H: Charity, 4 letters. W: Give H: Female sheep, 3 letters W: Ewe H: Pixar movie, 2 letters W: Up
What do astronauts do when they’re sorry?
Apollogize
What do you call somebody with no body, And No Nose?
No-body-Nose
When you excel in life…
People start to spreadsheet about you. . . . . (I'll show myself out).
I was walking through a quarry…
I said to the foreman, “That sure is a big rock!” “Boulder,” he corrected me. So I stuck out my chest and shouted, “THAT SURE IS A BIG ROCK!!”
I turned to my son and asked him to name two pronouns.
He looked bewildered and replied, "Who, me?"
“As has often been noted, physics is to math what sex is to masturbation”
Student : "So you're saying both fields are good, but without an attempt to understand the universe, the search for deeper mathematical truth is empty?" Professor : "I'm saying you'll spend most of undergrad doing math."
My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed
In my defense it was doggy style so it's more like 14 minutes.
Guy at the bar is so wasted that he throws up on his shirt…
He looks down and says "Man, my wife is gonna be so pissed I puked on myself again" Guy next to him says "Do what I do, I put 10 dollars in my pocket and when my wife sees me, I tell her some asshole at the bar puked on my and gave me the 10 dollars to have it cleaned" The drunk guy thinks this is an awesome solution and proceeds to get home. His wife is waiting for him and starts yelling at him "You got drunk and puked on your shirt again, didn't you?" The guy says "No, what happened is that I was at the bar and this guy puked on me, but he put 10 dollars in my shirt pocket so I can have it cleaned" Wife reaches into his shirt pocket and pulls out 2 $10 dollar bills and says "This is not 10 dollars, this is 20!" Guy says "Oh yeah, he shit in my pants too"
My parents insisted that they never had a favorite child when I grew up
I'm an only child 🙁
I’ve been accused of being a plagiarist.
Their words, not mine.
I named my horse Mayo.
Mayo neighs.
I told my wife she painted her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
You don’t want me to close your wound for you?
Fine, suture self.
(In honor of my cake day, the one that makes my kids groan the most) When I die, I want to go like my grandfather: in my sleep.
Not yelling and screaming like all the other people in the car he was driving at the time.
I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class.
I've never run so far in my life.
Therapists only want one thing
and it's fucking discussing.
What do you call a psychic midget who escaped from jail?
A small medium at large
How do you cut the ocean in half?… you use a sea saw
You use a sea saw!
My Tinder match said she’d talk to me again when she got home…
Guess she’s homeless.
I’m not an alcoholic. In fact, there’s only three times I ever drink.
Before work, during work, and after work.
My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating an avocado
Me: who’s this guy? Grandpa: he’s my hip replacement
My wife left me because I am insecure
No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee
