Top Reddit posters should use their karma to help the environment.
They are already experts at recycling.
First woman on the moon:
“Houston, we have a problem.” What? “Never mind” What’s the problem? “Nothing” Please tell us? “You know what the problem is.”
[OC] A man was riding on a bus.
The police pulled the bus over and ordered him to get down.
Golf Joke…What do you call the part of the body in between the vagina and rectum?
The driving range, because that’s where you hit your balls
Why do elephants drink?
To forget
I hear it’s easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods
It's more difficult to deter gents though
how does Hitler tie his shoes?
little knotsies
Idk how/why I thought of this😂
Idk how/why I thought of this😂
A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." “It hasn't affected my brothers though."
I don’t trust stairs
They're always up to something.
I keep asking people what LGBT means
I can never get a straight answer
I tried to buy tornado insurance for my camp site, but the company refused.
They said, “If your tents get blown over, you won’t be covered.”
I gently slid her panties to the left…
So that I could fit the rest of the socks in the drawer
Wanna hear a joke about construction?
Wait, I’m still working on it.
How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?
When it’s full groan.
A bartender is closing up and sees a customer lying on the floor
He picks him up, and the guy falls down. He picks him up, guy falls down again. Finally the bartender slings the guy over his shoulder and takes him to an address he finds in the guy's wallet. When they get to the guy's house the bartender stands him up again, and the guy crumples to the ground. The bartender bangs on the door and the guy's wife answers. "Here's your drunken bum of a husband," the bartender says The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?"
A crow was caught recently breaking quarantine laws.
They charged him with attempted murder.
What starts with “W”.
No text found
What country never wins or loses
Thailand.( Credit to my brothers who dosent use reddit).
I wrote a novel about a man who grows younger every time he masturbates.
It's a coming of age story.
I was told i could look at an eclipse with a colander.
I tried it and it just strained my eyes.
I just bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
What rock group has four guys that don’t sing?
Mt. Rushmore.
I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, “Wow! That could have been me!”
Then I remembered I can’t drive a bus 🙁
Two antennas fall in love and get married on a roof
The ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was amazing
Why isn’t PI fun at parties?
He just goes on forever
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.
My girlfriend is turning 32 soon…
I told her not to get her hopes up. "After all," I said, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute." When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday."
Walls of youth
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father took an outing to a shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, 'What is this Father?' The father responded, 'Son,I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.' While the boy and his father were watching with amazement,a fat old lady in a motorized cart moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. The doors opened and a young blonde stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son….. 'Go get your Mother'
I looked across the museum hall and spotted my ex girlfriend, but I was too self conscious to say hello.
There was just too much history between us.
Unknown man sneaks into WH and gets picture taken with a discombobulated President Trump.
https://ift.tt/38mdDRT
If your Tesla gets stolen,
is it called an Edison now?
Why can’t Severus Snape be a herbology teacher?
He can’t keep the lilies alive.
These guys are the symptom, not the disease (Actually they’re the disease also)
https://ift.tt/2SKn5cj
