I hope Elon Musk never gets caught up in a major scandal
I just imagine Elon-Gate would be really drawn out….
The other day my best friend met his fate after accidentally falling into a printing press at work.
You probably read about him, he was in all the papers.
There are four kinds of sex.
HOUSE SEX – When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room. BEDROOM SEX – After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom. HALL SEX – After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU" COURTROOM SEX – When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
My girlfriend really likes to cosplay as gardening tools.
Often, she's a hoe.
The Deep State, like goblins and the ogres upset children and the feeble-minded
https://ift.tt/3d5lc23
How do you send warships via email?
Google Docks
I was in a very busy Whole Foods and saw this beautiful young woman shopping.
I asked her, "I can't seem to find my wife, can I talk to you?" "Sure, but how can that help?" "Once she sees me talking to you, I'll bet you anything she'll appear out of fucking nowhere."
This week Iâm hosting a charity event for men who canât ejaculate.
If you canât come let me know.
A gorilla walks into a bar
A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it. So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything." So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore. "You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here." And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."
While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.
They were pirates of the car I be in.
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
No text found
âHey Dad, who invented the haircut?â
âI donât know, but Iâm sure it was some barberian.â
Apparently my friends started a hula hooping club but never told me about it.
They kept me out of the loop.
What type of music do windmills like?
I heard they're big metal fans.
My computer has a virus and is only showing ads for American Eagle, GAP and Urban Outfitters
I think I'm infected with Mall-Wear
My Friend Told Me He Identifies As A Broadcasting Radio Station
I told him âYou canât be Siriusâ
Do cats stutter?
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says. A little girl raises her hand "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!" "That must've been scary", said the teacher. "It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Ffffff, Ffffff, Ffffff'….And before he could say âfuck', the Rottweiler ate him!"
Don’t Stop
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. âLast night I made love to my wife four times,â the Frenchman bragged, âand this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me.â âAh, last night I made love to my wife six times,â the Italian responded, âand this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man.â When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, âAnd how many times did you make love to your wife last night?â âOnce,â he replied. Only once?â the Italian arrogantly snorted. âAnd what did she say to you this morning?â âDonât stop.â
The manual in my car says that I shouldnât turn the stereo volume to the maximum.
Thatâs….sound advice.
My girlfriend is a star on pornhub.
And she'll kill me if she finds out.
What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?
A spelling bee.
How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?
None they just beat the room for being black
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses inside him
The doctor described his condition as stable!
What do you call a lottery just for brooms?
A sweepstake.
I just found an origami porn channel
but it's paper view.
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.
It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.
But no, it only made him more sluggish.
Son: âmom, dad… Iâm gayâ
Mom: staring at dadâ â Dad: clenches fist â Mom: â….donâtâ â Dad: sweats profusely â Mom: âstop itâ â Dad: HI GAY, IâM DAD
Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan
Admit it, you don’t even like my maths, you’re just using me for my theorems!
https://ift.tt/2TluzDs
Hello Earthlings from Vortex.
Hello Earthlings from Vortex.
I never wanted to believe, that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home,
All the signs were there.
I took a bath with bubbles
No text found
My horse has insomnia and keeps every one awake.
She's a nightmare
My grandfatherâs broken watch is as relevant to my family today as it was to him 50 years ago.
Itâs a timeless piece, really.
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago..
and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.
âDad, Iâm so happy! I got a B in reading!â
Dad: Thatâs a D, idiot.