Totally normal first family
Guys my calendar is really sick..
I think its days are numbered.
Have you heard of that new band 1023MB?
They're good but they haven't got a gig yet.
A dude was wondering why a rock was getting bigger
Then it hit him
A man goes to a job interview.
"Well, everything looks great," the employer said. "But I see here there was an 8 year gap since your last job. What happened there?" "Oh, I went to yale," the man told him. "Neat!" The employer responded enthusiastically. "You're hired! You start on Monday." "Yay!" the man exclaimed. "I got a yob!"
What’s the difference between a kiss and anal sex?
A kiss will make your day, but anal will make your hole weak.
I just finished designing a website for an orphanage
There isn't a home page
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture…
But when I got home, the tables were turned…
I love him
I love him
A duck walks into a bar…
One lunchtime a duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and an all day breakfast. The bartender looks at him and says, "Fucking hell! You're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you can talk!" exclaims the bartender. "I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my fry up please?" "Certainly, sorry about that" says the bartender as he pours the duck a pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer." The flabbergasted bartender cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his fry up, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens every lunchtime for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the bartender says to him: "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats fry ups, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call." So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the bartender says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." "I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?" "At the circus," says the bartender. "The circus?" repeats the duck. "That's right," replies the bartender. "The fucking circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big TENT?" "Yeah!" the bartender replies. "With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?" says the duck. "Of course," the bartender replies. "And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a fucking big hole in the middle?" says the duck. "That's right!" says the bartender. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says: "Why the fuck would they want a plasterer?"
I saw a man in the street with a dog and a white stick. I said âYou must be blind.â He said âYeah, tell me something I donât know.â
So I said âThereâs a tree over there.â
When I was a kid, my parents would always say, âExcuse my Frenchâ after a swear word…
Iâll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French…
Peter and a genie walk into a bar
The genie asked, âWhatâs your first wish?â Peter answered, âI wish I was rich.â And the genie said, âWhatâs your second wish, Rich.â
My wife gave birth to a baby boy in the car on the way to the hospital.
I named him Carson.
Met an older lady at a bar last night.
She wasn't bad for a 55, we drank and flirted a bit, then she asked if I'd ever had a mother and daughter combo. I said,"No. But it's my secret fantasy." We drank a bit more, then she said that tonight was my lucky night. I went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs, "Mom! you still awake?"
My dad kept making a joke about interrupting cow
He was obviously milking it
[Original] The doctor prescribed a man a standing desk for back pain.
He told the man to stand at least 3 hours a day, which should reduce the symptoms – and to come back in a month. A month passes and the doctor is seeing the man again. He asks if the symptoms have improved. The man says, âNo, but Iâve only been standing for one hour a dayâ. The doctor says he understood.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
No text found
To the hacker who hacked into my reddit account, I will find you.
(Edit: no, you wonât)
My wife just complained I wasnât listening and walked out of the room
Weird way to start a conversation.
My son told me my grammar was good.
He meant well.
Patience be having a limit..
Patience be having a limit..
Two ants, a mother and her daughter, were walking through their underground city.
They were having a lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One man with a sign reading "It's time to GO!" spotted them and quickly approached. "Excuse me ma'am, but do you have a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support our cause?" he half-shouted at her. The mother held up her hand and tried to pass, but the protester blocked her and continued, "It is imperative that we evacuate the colony! Did you know that the dirt we live in, that we raise our children in, contains magnesium and aluminum? And God knows what else!" Again, she politely but firmly shook her head and pulled her daughter along, as the protester shouted after her, "You owe it to your children to evacuate now!!" After they got some distance, the young ant looked up worriedly at her mother. "Was that man right, momma? Are we in danger?" The mother smiled at her daughter. "No, sweetheart. Don't worry. Just because they use big words to try to scare us, doesn't mean the Ant Evacs movement knows what it's talking about."
Iâm voting for an old, senile, racist, sexist, white man with rape allegations this year for president.
But Iâm still not sure which one to pick.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, âWait! Iâm a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned and said: âAnd you will dialogue.â
Are you pissed?
Wife: Not necessarily. Me: Ok. So you are pissed but, unnecessarily?
Which body part dies last ?
The eyes, because they dilate.
My five year old: Dad, do trees poop?
Me: Of course. Thatâs how we get Number 2 pencils.
A woman is deciding between three suitors which one to be with. She says to the three men, “we are still young and inexperienced, go out there and travel around the world, we’ll see when you come back.”
So the first guy goes to Europe and tours the different countries there. The second guy goes to Europe, then Asia, then Africa, then Australia and basically goes everywhere. The third guy doesn't go anywhere. 6 months later they all meet up and the first guy says, "I went to all the countries in Europe and have become more cultured after visiting all their historic sites. The second guy says, "I went to Europe and became more cultured, Asia and learned martial arts, Africa and fed starving children and Australia and fought a stingray, and survived. It cost me $400k but it was well worth it and is only a drop in the bucket to me." The third guy who didn't go anywhere walks around the woman once, stops in front of her and takes hold of the woman's hands, "I've just traveled around the whole world, because you are my whole world." Upon hearing this, the woman became emotional and with tears of happiness running down her face , she says, "That is by far the sweetest thing I've ever heard in my entire life. â After this man spoke such sweet words. She was finally ready to make her the obvious choice… She then choice the second guy, the one with the most money.
I always thought it would be difficult to have erectile dysfunction.
But it can't be that hard.
Yesterday a clown held a door open for me
I thought it was a nice jester
My grandad asked me how to print on his computer…
I told him itâs Ctrl-P. He says he hasnât been able to do that for ages.
My penis talked to me once…
Turns out he's a real dick.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it…
…then my illegal logging business is a success. This repost has been brought to you by r/ModMurder for the means of a challenge
What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?
Rick OâShea
My wife told me to stop singing “I’m a believer” or she’d kill me. I thought she was joking…
…and then I saw her face…
I once asked a taxidermist what he does for a living.
"Oh you know….stuff. "
Bricks are the happiest construction materials.
They're always getting laid.
My penis may not be 12 inches
….but it smells like a foot.