Totally not necessary
Went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
Why was the restaurant so slow?
The servers were down.
I feel bad for deep sea fish..
They have a lot of pressure on them.
[NSFW] What do you call a group of cows masturbating?
Beef strokin'off
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him..
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog…
My grandfather’s in hospice, Dad asked him “how are you feeling?”
With my hands. OG dad joker till the end. Love you Grandfather.
Who Wants to Learn Roman Numerals??
Well, I for one..
Сафари парк львов Тайган
https://ift.tt/33T3qd9
Sometimes I like to tuck my knees to my chest, and lean forward.
That’s just how I roll.
Peanut oil is made from peanuts. Olive oil is from olives..
I'm not ever buying any more baby oil.
Went shopping for cherries and a microphone the other day.
Bought a bing. Bought a boom.
There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
Only a fraction of you will understand that
I can prove getting kicked in the nuts hurts worse than childbirth.
No guy has ever gotten kicked in the nuts, and then a couple years later says, “You know, I’d like another one.”
President Trump said “No politician in history — and I say this with great surety — has been treated worse or more unfairly.”
I guess the 6 Presidents who were shot no longer count *edit had 4 in post originally
Unknown man sneaks into WH and gets picture taken with a discombobulated President Trump.
https://ift.tt/38mdDRT
To be Frank, I’d have to change my name.
No text found
I was feeling lonely, so i bought some shares.
It's much nicer having some company.
My dad knew I wanted an Apple Watch…he delivered!
https://i.imgur.com/9IrzGtD.jpg
British Humour
The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?' The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.' The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.' She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!' This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out of the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!' An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.
I’m divorcing my wife…
"I've had enough, I'm going to leave her." "Why?" "She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past mightnight and I'm fed up with it". "What's she doing?" "She's looking for me!"
Me: “When I donate blood I do not extract it. A nurse does it for me. “
Receptionist: "Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way. "
Yesterday I saw a police officer wearing a pilot’s uniform. I thought it was a bit odd…
Then I realized, he was one of those plane clothes cops…
A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.
The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?” She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers.” The cop asks, “So what did you do about it?” The old lady says, “I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!” “That seems fair enough,” the cop says, “so what’s in the other sack?” The old lady replies with, “Not everyone pays…”
I wrote a joke about minorities.
It's a bit different to the other ones you've heard.
My youngest son wanted to tell me a joke
He said, “Poop!” It was a shit joke
Ruin a quote by attributing it to the wrong person
"Don't cry because it is over. Smile because it happened." -Adolf Hitler, 1945
I just won an award for most secretive person in the office
I can't tell you how much it means to me
r/jokes Has 18 Million subscribers!
It's amazing what 7 jokes can do
Sting in bed the other night, I asked my wife, “Honey, if I died, would you let your next husband have my recliner”?
She replies, “Well it would be a waste not to, he may find it comfortable”. Then I ask, “What about my boat”? And she says, “I just don’t think you will be needing your boat after your gone. We may retire and do a lot of fishing”. So I did some thinking and asked, “How about my truck, surely you’ll sell it because all of the memories of us riding in it together will be too much for you to bear and too awkward with your next husband”. She replies, “You know, it is paid for with low miles, I’ll probably hang on to it”. Then, getting kinda nervous, I said, “Well SURELY you wont let him have my golf clubs”? To which my wife responds, “Oh no honey, don’t worry about that, he’s left handed”.
What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire. Edit: Thanks for the silver (my first metal)!!
I was kicked out of the neighborhood pool for peeing in the deep end
The lifeguard noticed and blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in
Which part of the body is the last to die?
Pupils, coz they dilate.
Why are priests bad at marathons?
Because they always come in a little behind