Totally unnecessary.
I used to be scared of pretty girls,
So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me.
I hate autocorrect.
It makes me say thing I don't nintendo.
![[OC] Guess the Pun #54](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/no_image_card-112-400x247.png)
This joke is about ghosts. You wanna hear it?
That's the spirit.
What do you call a cube with many friends?
A platonic solid
A man walks into a bar in Vegas.
He has a parrot with him. This parrot is wholly remarkable; it is fluent in Spanish, French and English. So, being a betting man- they're all betting men down in Vegas -he goes up to the bartender and tells him, "I'll bet you this here bird can speak Spanish." The bartender knows this type, and slams his hand down on the counter with a $10 bill. "You're on! Let's see it." So the man turned to the bird and asks, "Hablas Espanol?" The bird is silent as a stone. "Well, watch this, then, he can speak French too. Parlez-vous Francais?" The parrot remains silent. The man is sweating through his jacket, and the bartender is chuckling derisively. "Hand over the cash, sir, and have a nice night." As he walks dejectedly out of the bar, the man turns to the parrot. "You jerk!", he cries. "You cost me ten bucks!" The parrot, taken aback, ruffles his feathers arrogantly. "Cost you? Buddy, I just made you a fortune! Think of the odds you can get there tomorrow!"
Some races are inferior and should be eliminated
No offense, I just don't enjoy Nascar.
A guy walks into an empty bar…
He doesn't see the bartender behind the bar so figures he must be back in the stockroom. As the man walks across the floor he hears a quiet voice say….."nice pants!" He looks around but sees no one, there are no other people in the bar. He shrugs it off and keeps moving towards the bar. Then he hears….."your hair looks great!" Again, he looks around but doesn't see anyone. A little freaked out, he takes a seat at the bar and hears….."I like your tie!" At that moment, the bartender emerges from the back room and asks "howdy sir, what can I get you?" The man replies "well, I'll have a whiskey, but I have to tell you the strangest thing has happened to me since I walked in. I keep hearing some voice that keeps saying nice things about me. I must really need that drink I guess." The bartender smiles and says "ahh, don't worry about it, that happens sometimes, it's probably just the peanuts". "The peanuts?" asked the man, even more confused. "Yes, the peanuts" explains the bartender….. "they're complimentary" đ
What did the lawyer wear to his next case?
His Law Suit.
As I sail away from the island of lollipops…
…never to return, tears well in my eyes as I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. "So long, suckers," I whisper through trembling lips.
My 10 month old son is learning to wave.
At dinner I asked him where the light was so he pointed at it. I told him to wave hello to the light and luckily he did. I then looked my wife dead in the eye and told her that was the hi-light of his day.
Epileptic Santa!
"He seizures when you're sleeping."
Slightly peeved that the makers of the shampoo, “Head and Shoulders”…
âŚhave not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888
So when someone asks for your wifi password you can say 12345678
I went to a zoo that only had a dog in it.
It was a shih tzu
What’s the difference between Constipation and Diarrhea?
Constipation is when your body does not give a shit. Diarrhea is when your body cannot get it's shit together.
People in Germany were hoarding sausage and cheese due to the pandemic,
It was the wurst käse scenario.
My daughter came home from school screaming at me
"Iâve just had sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before marriage, my boyfriend will die!" I put down my paper: âOh, he will, sweetheart, he will.â â
My wife likes to say marrying me was like winning the lottery…
I like to remind her that most lottery winners blow their winnings.
There were 2 flyâs on a toilet seat.
One got pissed off.
What rock group has four guys that don’t sing?
Mt. Rushmore.
Tutorial: How to gain 500 Coin on Reddit without upvote or luck!! SAFE METHOD
https://ift.tt/35Jd7fO
My girlfriend wanted to have a conversation with me about me being too childish, but it never happened…
She didn't know the password to my treehouse!
A group of engineering students and their teacher were given free airplane tickets to go on a holiday
Once on the plane, the captain announced that they were on the plane the students had built. Everyone freaked and rushed out of the plane, except for the teacher who stayed there with calm. When the flight attendant asked why he hadn't left, he responded " I know the abilities of my students. This shit won't even start".
My teacher told me I would never be any good at Poetry because of my dyslexia….
But so far I've made 3 vases and a jug.
Two recruits were on the deck of a ship.
One turns to other and says "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight." Other recruit says "Everyone must be watching the band." "There is no band on this ship." "No, I definitely heard the captain say a band on ship."
My doctor said I only have 5 more days to live…
So I killed him and the Judge gave me 40 years!!
My penis was once on the Guinness book of world records
And now I'm no longer allowed in the library
Did you hear about the guy that got hit with a can of soda?
He was lucky it was a soft drink
Just saw a guy wearing T-Shirt that reads “Truth + God = Life”
Thank god I'm good at math, Truth = Life – God
According to my wife, I’m a terrible dad for not treating my kids equally.
I just don't understand it. I love James, Nicole and the fat, ugly one all the same.
My doctor diagnosed me with severe lack of observation.
That came out of nowhere.
My wireless keyboard isn’t working
I guess I need to re-pair it.
I have a fear of speed bumps…
…but I'm slowly getting over them.
Hooker: â$10 on grass, $30 on sofa, $50 in bedâ Man: âIâll pay $50â
Hooker: âYouâre a man of class :)â Man: âClass my ass, I want it five times on grassâ
Why is dark spelled with a k and not with a c?
Because you canât see in the dark
Most people would prefer to have the time off between Christmas and New Year, but I have a better idea.
I'd like to have the time off between New Year and Christmas.