Tough choices
After you die, what part of the human body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils; they dilate.
Teacher asked “What is the formula of water?” Student said “H I J K L M N O” teacher said “that’s not the formula of water”
Student said “you said the formula was H to O”.
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but he wasn’t given the gold medal.
The Chinese authorities refuse to recognize Ty Won.
What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Sincerely, your service provider.
My girlfriend used to be a hoe but she got fat
Now she's a shovel
Working at the unemployment office sucks.
If you lose your job you still have to come in.
What do you call Batman when he skips church?
Christian Bale
Buss😩😩😩
Buss😩😩😩
In Canada, you are more likely to die of a moose kick than of a terrorist attack.
Those damn mooselimbs.
My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.
She said she just can't take it any longer.
I used to get heartburn whenever I ate birthday cake…
… until the doctor told me to take the candles off first! Happy cake day to meeeeee!
My wife asked me to put tomato ketchup on the shopping list that I was writing out.
I can't read a fucking word now.
I got in touch with my inner self today.
That's the last time I use cheap toilet paper.
North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media.
When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.
A vampire walks into a bar…
A vampire walks into a bar and goes straight up to the bartender and asks for a large warm glass of blood. Luckily, it happens to be a bar that serves vampires and quick as a tick the bartender hands over a long glass of blood, to which the vampire slurps it down happily. Sooner than later, another vampire enters the establishment and sees his fellow child of darkness happily nursing his glass at the bar. He proceeds to sit next to him and orders the same, to which the bartender obliges and plunks down another large warm glass of blood. Finally a third vampire strolls through the door and walks confidently up to the barkeep and the other vampires. He opens his fanged mouth to speak, but the Barman interrupts him: "Let me guess…" he opines, "One large glass of warm blood?". To his surprise the vampire shakes his head. "Actually, can I have a cup of boiling water please?" The Bartender is confused but is unwilling to question the motives of a vampire, especially a vampire customer and produces the boiling water for his guest. The other vampires, also curious pause their drinking to stare at the new arrival. Sensing their curiosity the vampire simply shrugs, produces a tampon from his pocket and dunks it into the cup. "I'm making tea…"
Why does Santa fear getting stuck in a chimney?
Because he’s Claustrophobic.
There was a big moron and a little moron sitting on a fence. The big moron fell off. Why?
The little moron was a little more on.
My sister got married the other day and now has 16 husbands….
Four richer, four poorer, four better and four worse…
I have a friend who was born on October 10th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it.
It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again.
I am reading a book called “The History of Lubricants.”
It’s non-friction.
How do you make Easter easier?
Replace the t with an i.
My brother went to his AA meeting drunk, then he tripped down the stairs.
He's been having lots of trouble with the steps lately.
Me: Yeah I’ll probably die alone
Waiter: No I said will you be dining alone? Me: Oh
My son asked me, “Dad, what are condoms used for?”
Me: Usually to avoid answering such questions.
Microsoft is killing off support for Windows 7, which is used on a third of PCs globally
https://ift.tt/2uQvjqf
Catholic parrots.
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired.. They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. "I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship!" "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered."
Two clowns were eating a cannibal
One turns to the other and asks “did I start the joke wrong?”
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.
She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks the wife asked, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?” He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.” Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. “Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.” “No, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. “Well, what is it, then?” his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said. “Her name is Sally and she’s selling batteries.” “Batteries?” cried the wife. “Yes,” he replied. “She sells C cells by the Seashore.”
Today a girl kissed me
I wish I could post it in another subreddit
It’s easy to deter the ladies from eating tide pods but…
it’s more difficult to deter…gents
We all know the show was called Spongebob Squarepants
But the star was Patrick
A Nazi walks into a bar…
A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table. Barman, he says, "A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there." As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a nasty little smile. Surprisingly the Jew nods his head and sends a warm smile back. The Nazi is somewhat miffed, as this was not the reaction he expected. So he goes back to the bar "Barman, a second round for everyone but him, and this time take it all from the top shelf" Nazi looks again at the Jew, and notices that he is STILL smiling back, and even warmer than before "Is that Jew a complete fool or what?" he asks the barman Bartender responds: "Oh no my generous friend, that gentleman is my boss and the owner of the bar"