Tradition! Tradition!
A mime was arrested in my town after getting into a bar fight and breaking his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
I found out why everyone is collecting TP
It’s because an asteroid might hit us next month. ….. and … paper always beats rock
Another character unlocked
Another character unlocked
Two deers walk out of a gay bar
One turns to the other and says “Man, I can’t believe I blew thirty bucks in there”.
My wife told me to stop doing my flamingo impression
I had to put my foot down
The opposite of Microsoft Office is…
Macrohard Onfire.
Why didn’t the cannibal eat the guy with no legs ?
Because he was lacktoes intolerant
Orion’s Belt, what a waist of space.
Terrible joke, only 3 stars.
A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked, “Bubba, just what the hell is your secret?”
Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw 'em forever!" The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he took off his clothes and started banging his manhood on the dresser. His wife stuck her head out of the shower and asked, "Is that you, Bubba?"
What do you call it when Batman skips church ?
Christian Bale
My buddy said ‘There’s only one thing about Halloween that scares me.’
I asked, 'Which is?' 'Exactly', he replied.
Where did the Terminator find toilet paper?
Aisle B, Back
NV, SC, and Super Tuesday Primary Voters: Show us proof you voted yesterday, and we’ll give you a cool flair! :)
Continuation of this thread, which focuses on the NH Primary.We are planning on expanding the flair program to primary voters in all 50 states. If you have any ideas for perks or extras we can throw in, please let us know via modmail. Right now, only voters from states who’s primaries have either occurred or will occur soon can request flairs.Iowa caucus goers are also encouraged to use the same form to submit their late request. Later states will be given the chance to submit their requests once their primaries or caucuses have occurred.NV, SC, and Super Tuesday Primary Voters: CLICK HERE TO GET YOUR FLAIR IF YOU VOTED!Simply provide evidence of your participation (any ‘I Voted’ sticker or other supplemental documents are allowed), and we’ll add a user flair similar to my account to your account.Special Discord Channel AccessVerified voters will also get special access to our exclusive Voter Only Discord channel. To gain access to this, include your Discord account ID in your above submission, and we’ll add you to this channel.Have a good day!
How can you tell a vampire has a cold?
They start coffin.
An r/jokes subredditor walks into a bar and the bartender immediately makes him an exotic cocktail. “How’d you know that’s what I wanted?”
"You come here every fucking day and it's always the same fucking thing."
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.
“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.” God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?” “Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time.” “Exactly,” said God, “and when people rode in this man’s taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed.”
I got a job as a bullet
But I was immediately fired.
What do we call a group of 12 atoms?
Dozen matter.
A horse walks into a bar. The shocked bartender points a finger at him alarmingly and yells “HEY!”
The horse replies "You read my mind buddy!"
A wife is clearing out her closet
And she finds loads of clothes to put to the charity shop. The husband walks in and says “just throw them away, there’s no need to put them to the charity shop” The wife replies “aye there is, there’s starving children in Africa who could need these clothes” And the husband says “darling if they can fit in your clothes they aren’t starving”
In 2015, none of us got the answer right to
"where do you see yourself in 5 years?"
My wife just told me, “I can’t find my datebook. I’ve looked for it everywhere. Have you seen it?”
Me: It seems like….you have a hidden agenda.
After graduating from high school, my daughter moved away from home to study at university. She sent this letter home to me…
Dear Dad, University i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ¢an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, your $usie. I immediately replied back… Dear Susie, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad
Some people like floors
but I’m more of a ceiling fan
How do you turn a joke into a dad joke?
You make the punchline apparent.
I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words
Quit shaking the ladder you little bastard!!!
What did the cold and angry man have for dinner?
A BrrrrGrrrrr
Found out I was color blind the other day.
That one came right out of the orange.
Kidnapping Congress
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" "Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for 100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. "We're going from car to car, collecting donations" The driver asks "How much is everyone giving?" The man replies, "Roughly a gallon"
What do you call a careful wolf ?
Aware wolf.