Tramp’s golf
Why are they called hemorrhoids?
Shouldn't they be called Asteroids?
[At the scene of the murder] Cop 1: This seems racially motivated.
Cop 2: Hate crime? Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.
One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.
The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach. The cowboy said, “I’m not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I’d feed him.” So the minister began his sermon. One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon. The cowboy answered slowly, “Well, I’m not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn’t feed him all the hay…”
I know many jokes about unemployed people
but none of them work
Grandpa: What has 4 legs, but isn’t alive ?
Boy: A chair, haha, nice try gran- Grandpa – it's your dog. He's dead Jimmy.
I recently got a Delorian but…
…I only drive it from time to time.
Another film has been released about a barrier in India.
It's a Sikh wall.
I’ve been asked to name and shame all those horrible people that have been mocking me for wearing mittens…
…but I’m not going to point fingers.
A boy knocks his father down the stairs in a freak accident.
The father breaks his neck and dies, leaving his son to mourn for days. However, one night, the boy wakes up to see an apparition of his father before him. All at once, he breaks down crying, and screams out, "I'm sorry!" His father responds, "Hi Sorry, I'm dead!"
Do you know what Bruce Lee’s vegetarian brother is called?
Brocco Lee I'll see myself out.
My friend’s financial advisor spent all of his money on strippers and blow.
That guy really put the douche in fiduciary responsibility.
What’s a pirate’s favorite juice?
The Hi-C
Did you hear about the sarcastic weightlifter?
He liked to pump irony.
“Forget everything you learned in college. You won’t need it working here.”
"But I never went to college." "Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here."
It’s weird how nobody knew who the Iranian general Soleimani was a few days ago…
It's like he blew up overnight.
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?
… because Dawn is tough on Greece.
My son asked me why I was whispering all quiet.
I told him I thought the CIA was listening. He laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
How do flat earthers travel the world?
on a plane.
The Little Old Lady At Service (not mine)
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones?" "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly. "Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight." she replied. "Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?" The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the bitches."
I asked the toy store clerk where the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures were.
She replied, "Aisle B, back"
A retired Marine is standing alone at a public occasion
A beautiful young woman spots him and decides to have a little fun with him. She goes up to him and asks,"When did you last have sex?" He replies saying,"1945" The woman feels bad for him and says,"Come with me and we'll have a great time" The marine goes with her and they have amazing sex At the end the woman says,"You know,you're in great shape since the last time you had sex was a long time ago" The marine replies saying,"Can't say it's been long,it was only half an hour ago"
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight Professor X: that's not going to help us Me: yes I see that now
What do English teachers do on Reddit?
Edit: grammar
Much more sad than funny, if he could only go a few days with out alienating the base.
https://ift.tt/2TBinOr
My mother always used to say “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
Lovely woman; terrible surgeon.
I believe that it is time for all the world’s countries to come together and create one universal currency
I mean it's just common cents
My wife complains that I don’t buy her flowers.
To be honest, I didn’t know she sold flowers.
Why does a duck have feathers?
To cover its butt quack.
A man walks into a bar. The bartender greets him and says, For 5 bucks, I’ll show you something amazing…
The man agrees and hands over his 5 bucks. The bartender pulls out a small piano and a guy who is only about a foot tall. The guy sits down and plays an amazing tune on the piano. “Wow he’s amazing. Where did you get him!?!” He bartender replied, “There is a genie on the corner, he’ll grant you one wish.” The guy leaves the bar, finds the genie and says, “I want a million bucks!” All of a sudden ducks start falling out of the sky. The guy runs back to the bar to escape all the ducks and asks, “What’s wrong with that genie? I asked for a million bucks, and ducks started falling out of the sky!” The bartender shakes his head and says, “He’s hard of hearing. Do you seriously think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?”
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator
I called the doctor “My wife is going into labour! What should I do?”
"Is this her first child?" he asked. "No this is her husband"