Transform to ambulance!
What do Game of Thrones and The Sixth Sense have in common?
Icey dead people
I help blind kids
Verb, not adjective
I took my new girlfriend out on our first date to the ice rink, and entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, “So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?” The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse.” The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver’s ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful,naked blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger’s Tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he’s impressed. “You have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?” The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse’s ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief’s surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a naked brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. “You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow. “What is your last request?” The Lone Ranger responds,” I’d like to speak to my horse….ALONE.” The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger’s tent. Once they’re alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says: “Listen very carefully, you fcuking dickhead, for the last time………. . BRING POSSE!!!!”
What do you get when rubbing two oranges together
Pulp friction
My wife and I bought a water bed recently but ever since then…
…we’ve drifted apart.
Two tampons are walking down the street, which one says hi first?
Neither because they’re both stuck up cunts
Daughter: “That armored truck looks like an ambulance.”
Me: "That's because it transports money going through withdrawals." She hated that one so much I nearly wept with joy.
Dad jokes?
Well of course Dad jokes! Dad is hilarious!
A lot of things are going to change since I got my girlfriend pregnant.
Including my name, address and phone number.
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly’s girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
My dad always said I loved alphabet soup growing up.
But really it was just him putting words in my mouth.
My family treats me as though I’m a god…
…ignoring my existence until they need something.
A husband calls for his wife on his deathbed.
He tells his wife that after he passes away he doesn’t want her to be alone. “Six months after I pass, I think it would be okay for you to marry Joe.” “Joe?” his wife asks. “But I thought you hated Joe.” “I do,” the man answers.
My sister walked in and caught me masturbating. She called me a sick pervert.
I walked in and caught her masturbating. She called me a sick pervert. There's no justice in this world.
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator
A man and his girlfriend check into a hotel.
“I don’t know why, but I’m afraid that this room might be bugged with hearing devices.” the girlfriend tells her boyfriend. “That’s crazy, there’s nothing to be worried about.” the man replies. The girl insists, so he starts to search the room. He looks in all of the drawers, under the TV, and behind the curtains. When he pulls the rug up, to his utter disbelief, he finds a suspicious looking disc. “Wow, you might be right!” the man says as he unscrews the disc from the floor. The next morning, they head to the front desk to check out of their room. “You guys must’ve had a good time last night” the clerk says laughing. Angry and confused, the man asks “AND HOW WOULD YOU KNOW THAT?!” The clerk replies “Well, on the floor below you, the entire chandelier came down.”
you guys know how i like to tell my dad jokes?
well i cant because he's not here
Dad joke warning ⚠
Knock, knock… Who's there? Cargo. Cargo who? Nope. Owl go who. Car go beep beep. I warned you.
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
People in Dubai don't like the Flinstones but people in Abu Dhabi dooooooooooo!!!!
Today I went to a support group for premature ejaculation.
Turns out they meet tomorrow.
My bedroom light just went out.
I have no idea where it's going.
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
What goes with the Coronavirus?
Lyme Disease
I take a ruler to bed with me every night….
…so in the morning I can find out how long I slept.
I’m never again donating money to anyone collecting for a marathon.
They just take the money and run.
Your penis so small….
That when you put it in a girl her immune system tries to fight it.
I recently overheard two chess enthusiasts in a hotel lobby. They were bragging about their previous victories
They were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
The teacher gave
her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share?" 'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands." ''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?" "Don't Fuck with Mommy when she's been drinking."
A Joke from my little cousin
What do you call a bunch of monkeys all mixed up? An Orangatangle!
I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican
I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle- not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking. I said “What’s up…can't handle the pressure of performing on stage?” He says, "You have no idea mon, I be responsible for every ting."
A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England.
She raised her right arm revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink? The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, a bleary-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink! The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink? Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's none of my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her 'the ballerina' ?" The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."
I am terrified of elevators.
I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi
Why is the letter B so cool?
Because it’s sitting in the middle of the AC
Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance?
Because he had no body to go with.
I’ve gone and confused the words ‘Yakuza’ with ‘Jacuzzi’
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
You shouldn’t watch any horror movies today
It May, Fri 10 you.
A young kid came upto me and said “Can I please have a cigarette?” I was astonished.
Kids these days have such great manners
Why is crucified Jesus always depicted with six pack abs?
He did CrossFit.
A girl reached into my pants today and said
I know there is a joke here but I can't find it.
