Translate: Come on dear se how they cheer you.
Wife : Why don’t you treat me like when I was your girlfriend?
Husband the next day , took her on his bike to Italian restaurant for evening coffee, then movie. Dinner at most famous restaurant. Followed by ice cream. Later on dropped her at her parents house and went home fast
I keep dreaming this horse is trying to kill me.
She’s a nightmare
I’m trying to write an unoffical Harry Potter book about Platform 9 and 3/4
But I feel like I'm hitting a wall
Did you hear about the new pen that can write underwater?
It can write other words too.
My marriage just ended because I didn’t open the door for my wife.
I swam for the surface instead
“Dad Are We Pyromaniacs?”
"Yes we arson…"
A nun decides before she dies she wants to have sex
So she asks a woman for advice, the woman tells her she wants to find a man that has a big dick. The nun says how will I know if a man has a big dick just by looking at him? The woman tells the nun you can tell by the shoe size. The nun searches the city to find the man with the biggest shoes in town. Once she finds him she tells him she wants to lose her virginity to him. After they have sex the nun takes him home, reaches into her purse and gives the man $100. The man says “wow I got to take your virginity and you will pay me the sex must’ve been amazing “ The nun tells the man “ No the money is for you to buy some smaller shoes.”
A fourth grade biology teacher is asking a series of questions to her students
Eventually she asks "What part of the body can grow ten times its normal size when stimulated?" As soon as she asks that, a girl at the back of the class stands up and yells "EWW, THAT'S SO GROSS. HOW DARE YOU ASK THIS TO SMALL CHILDREN? I'M GOING TO TELL MY MOTHER ALL ABOUT THIS", then storms out of the classroom. After the class, the teacher calls the girl back in and says "Young lady, I just have three things to say to you. First, the answer to my question was the pupil; second, you have a very dirty mind for a child your age; and third, one day you're going to very, very disappointed"
My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed.
After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.
A woman asks her husband if he’d like some breakfast.
“Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?” He declines. “It’s this Viagra,” he says, “it’s really taken the edge off my appetite.” At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. “A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?” Again he declines. “No, thanks. It’s this Viagra,” he says, “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.” At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. “Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That’ll only take a couple of minutes…?” Once more, he declines. “Again, thanks, but it’s this Viagra. It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.” “Well, then”, she says, “Would you mind getting off me? I’m fucking STARVING!”
20 minutes into Disney+ and chill…
and I've already got a friend in me.
I’m unhappy because my neighbor’s sheep aren’t clipped properly.
I can't stand that kind of shear incompetence.
A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.
At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russian Hell and many more. They are all similarly gruesome. However, at Nigerian Hell a long line of people is waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Nigerian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." "But that's the same as the others," says the man. "Why are so many people waiting to get in?" "Because of the power cuts, the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable. And the Nigerian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business."
In the United States, you’re American.
But in the bathroom, European.
Top tier dad joke
Therapist: Your wife says you never buy her flowers is that true? Dad: To be honest, i never knew she sold flowers.
Where does the neckbeard get his water?
The well, actually.
Those fuckers jam out.
Those fuckers jam out.
My son said that his teacher asked what he wanted to be when he grew up. I asked what he picked.
"I either want to be a pizza delivery guy, or a pool skimmer" ………………. I think the little bastard found my porn stash.
A man applies for a job as a lumberjack
Well sir, do you have any lumber jacking experience? Yes. I was part of an elite team of lumberjacks who worked on the largest lumberjacking project ever for nearly 3 years. Oh. You don't say? Where exactly was it you worked? The Sahara Forest in Africa, Sir. The Sahara Forest? Don't you mean the Sahara desert? Well sure, that's what they call it now.
I like my women like I like my coffee
Very strong, and given proper credit for their contributions in both the home and the workplace.
What do seismologists eat for breakfast?
Panquakes and shakin'
I once farted in an apple store.
They got real mad but it wasn't my fault they didn't have any windows.
When I was a boy, my father told me never to ask a lady her age.
But the judge didn't see it that way.
Rules Clarification
Hey all you cool cats and kittens,Since half of the shit y’all like to submit is absolute garbage that doesn’t fit this subreddit whatsoever, this subreddit is now approval only. That means your post will not show up in new no matter how many times you resubmit it. As well, we’ve added a neat little reminder when you post here. I’ve pasted it below for your convenience.If your post is not a cartoon, please head down to /r/terriblefacebookmemes. If your post is wholesome or actually funny, try /r/goodboomerhumor. If the art is decent, it probably should go in /r/im14andthisisdeep. If your post is a political cartoon, it will be removed. If your post is the fucking hair dryer cartoon, you will be shot on sight.As well, I’d also like to remind everyone that cartoons that are just about the coronavirus/lockdown/quarantine/social distancing do not a boomer post make. Most of these posts are just observational humor and not making a stupid joke. Examples of jokes that would fit are things like “I’m locked up with my family and I hate them”, “I wish I were at work because technology is the worst”, “the virus isn’t that bad, kids these days are just sensitive.”That’s all folks!
Aragorn, Boromir, Legolas, and Gandalf walk into a bar
Gimli and the Hobbits are short and walk under it.
How do locomotives hear?
Through the engineers.
I am a proud antivax parent of 4 children.
Edit: 3 children Edit: 2 Edit: 1 Edit: 0
A mom was cleaning her twelve-year-old son’s bedroom.
Under the bed she found some serious bondage gear and other fetish material. Horrified, she asks the dad what should they do with him. Dad:"Well I'm no expert but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
I like my women like I like my coffee.
From a third world country and at a reasonable price.
Unwritten rules of Life…..
1. 2. 3.
My 6 year old made this up while taking his bath…
Knock knock Who's there? Dwayne Dwayne who? Dwayne the tub before I dwown.
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-morse code
How is Pope’s poop different from rest of us?
It's Holy Shit.
Did you notice that people started taking the looters & rioters seriously once New York was hit?
Probably because everyone knows where the Big Apple is, but not where the Minneapolis.
Kids should not run with scissors
And lesbians should not scissor with the runs
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people
But none of them work.