Translation: I told him to study properly and said to him that he will get a good wife only if he studies properly. Then he replied that what did father get even after studying so much.
“Thank you for your service”
she told me "give it away, give it away, give it away NOW" !
Gag My wife told me this one to me. Not my joke
Cause dad's left.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
It sounds so foreign.
When the punchline becomes apparent. When does the punchline become apparent? After the delivery.
My wife loves tennis, and she was telling me how distracted she gets at the constant grunting during women’s matches.
I told her I’ll try not doing it again.
“no, son, I was born with it.”
He is Sirloin.
She got a full sentence
Me, to my son, immediately after being born: Congratulations! You're officially the youngest person in the world! Him: crying Me: Sorry kid, your 4 seconds of fame are over.
Which is ironic, because we were both waiting for the bus.
…that there are no peanut butter fish.
He didn't think he would win, but he just wanted to check.
“We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.” I said, “that’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there. You won’t like it.” Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can go where I please, when I please, how I please! You have no authority when it comes to telling me where the fuck I can go! Have I made myself clear, boy?!” I politely nodded and went back about my business. A short time after, I heard a scream, looked up to see the DEA agent being chased by my big old mean bull. Every step, gaining, closing the gap between himself and the agent. It seemed as tho he would surely get gored before returning to safety. The officer was clearly terrified. I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and screamed at the top of my lungs…. “YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR FUCKIN BADGE!!”
Because how can you have any pudding if you don't eat yer meat?
It couldn’t stop getting high on quack
Me: Good idea, we can cover more ground that way.
His response: “Thanks son. I couldn’t have done it without you!” Happy Father’s Day!!
He was medaling in other people’s affairs.
Me: Can I play piano? Doctor: Yes you can. Me: Wow! Thanks! I never could before.
Not what you are thinking.
Never date a bread maker, They’re so kneady.
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.
She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks the wife asked, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?” He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.” Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. “Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.” “No, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. “Well, what is it, then?” his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said. “Her name is Sally and she’s selling batteries.” “Batteries?” cried the wife. “Yes,” he replied. “Sally sells C cells by the Seashore.”
Tell him Obama put it in…
I guess they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
And I thought, “that’s just spam”.
Last night for example, I couldn't fall asleep, because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.
Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
Because if they had 4 they'd be called chicken sedans.
Where have you been for the last 20 years?
I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle- not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking. I said “What’s up…can't handle the pressure of performing on stage?” He says, "You have no idea mon, I be responsible for every ting."
Honestly, I should have seen the signs.
Would I be mist?