translation: sorry we ran out of gloves
I was not ready.
(Walmart, son, stranger interaction.) Son: hi, I got a haircut. Stranger: looks like you got more than just one. Son: (silence) Me: bent over losing it
Bill Clinton likes to go for a walk every Saturday evening…
One evening, he passed by an alley, and a prostitute yelled at him, "Fifty dollars will buy you a good time!" He responded by saying "How's about 5 dollars?", jokingly, and kept walking. This same thing kept happening every Saturday for a couple weeks; every time Bill passed the prostitute, she would offer him her services for fifty dollars, and he would decline and say he'd only pay five. One evening, however, Hillary asked if she could come along on the walk with him, and Bill reluctantly agreed, nervous about what Hillary would say if the prostitute yelled at him again. They went on the walk, and when they passed the alley, to Bill's surprise, the prostitute was silent, and they continued on their walk. As they were about to round the corner, however, they heard the prostitute's voice from behind them, "So that's what five dollars gets you, huh?"
Genie: You have three wishes. Me: Nice! I wish for pie.
Genie: Fine. You can have 3.14 wishes.
Sign outside strip club shuttered due to COVID-19:
“Sorry, we’re clothed.”
What happens in Vegas
A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, 'How much do you charge?' Hooker replies, 'It starts at $500 for a hand-job.' Guy says, '$500 dollars?! For a hand-job? No hand-job is worth that kind of money!' The hooker says, 'Do you see that Denny's on the corner?' 'Yes.' 'Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?' 'Yes.' 'And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?' 'Yes.' 'Well,' says the hooker, smiling invitingly, 'I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500.' Guy says, 'What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try.' They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is amazed, and he says, 'I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?' The hooker replies, '$1,500.' 'I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!' The hooker replies, 'Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500.' The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car and says, 'Sign me up.' Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker,' How much for some pussy?' The hooker says, 'Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?' 'Damn!' the guy says, in awe, 'You own the whole city?' 'No,' the hooker replies, 'but I would if I had a pussy.'
A black guy in an library asked me where the colored printer was
I said "Sir, this is 2020. You can use any printer you want".
6:30 is the best time of day.
Hands down.
What did the robber say after blowing up Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!
I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video…
He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza guy.
My friend with the lazy eye just lost his job as a teacher.
He had a real hard time controlling his pupils.
Why did I come home to find a police officer in my bed?
They were an undercover cop.
How many software developers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It's a hardware problem.
What do you have if you have a snowball in your right and a snowball in your left hand?
Frosty's full and undivided attention!
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide
What did the the dog do when he lost his tail?
He went to the retail store
I called a suicide hotline in Iraq.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
A meme I made. Pay no attention to my partner in the otter room with Paint open.
A meme I made. Pay no attention to my partner in the otter room with Paint open.
Why shouldn’t you ever fight a dinosaur?
Because you’ll get Jurass kicked..
In Alabama, we don’t do the Reverse Cowgirl
We never turn our back on Family
I have a friend who is a transgender atheist.
They are a she now, but they were a heathen.
My friend asked me, “what’s the best part about living in Switzerland?”
I said, “I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.”
Is the world ready for ejaculating clocks?
I guess we'll know when the time comes.
I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted and funny.
The fifth was dead Sirius.
Bought a dog from a blacksmith and as soon as I got it home…
…it made a bolt for the door.
My Dad really messed up his wrists dragging his car from England to France.
He got car-pull-tunnel syndrome.
Well today is my first cake day.
And that means my Reddit account is older than most anti-vax kids will ever be.