Trash diet
Had to wright a paragraph about this photo for my online english class today…
https://ift.tt/2VZxXnz
Why did the big bird feel left out?
Because he was ostrich sized
Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger
are talking to each other about their long careers as action heroes. Sly says, "You did some okay comedy, but you have the governorship and political success to be proud of." Arnold says, "You've had so much recognition in Hollywood. I've never been nominated for an Oscar, you have have been three times. I wish I could be taken seriously as an actor." They think about it for a few minutes, and Stallone says, "We should do a serious film. A historical." Arnold grins his huge toothy grin, immediately warming to the idea. "A period piece. That's a great way for our acting comebacks to be taken seriously." Stallone, as the film auteur, keeps working on it. "We want people to be emotionally affected by it. Music really moves people. Can we do something about music?" Schwarzenegger agrees. "We could do classical music. You're Italian; you could play an Italian composer." Sylvester says, "I'll play Vivaldi!" Arnold Schwarzenegger says, "I'll be Bach."
A century ago, two brothers claimed it was possible to fly
They were Wright
A little known fact…
Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home.
I hope Death is a woman.
That way it will never come for me.
What do you call a careful wolf ?
Aware wolf.
Kidnapping Congress
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" "Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for 100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. "We're going from car to car, collecting donations" The driver asks "How much is everyone giving?" The man replies, "Roughly a gallon"
I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop
"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said. "Fuck off" he shouted back. "What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. No time.”
Why don’t Native Americans like snow?
It's white and settles on their land
A guy has been accused in our town for murdering people by hitting them with a cement bag.
However the police still don't have any concrete evidence against him.
What is the first rule of stealing someones shoes.
Pick on someone your own size.
Whoever coined the phrase “dad-bod” missed a golden opportunity…
Should've called it "the Father-figure"
Wife was cleaning 12 year old son’s bedroom
When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?" Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
My earliest clear childhood memory is going with my parents to the eye doctor.
Life before that is a blur.
I’m a 50 year old with a 20 year old body
How do I bury it
A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”
The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.” “You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said. The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” the officer said. “I did,” the man replied. “And today I’m taking them to the beach.”
I have a scary joke about math…
…but I am 22 to say it
I lent a girl an umbrella yesterday
Which takes the total number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.
If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it
My illegal logging business is a success
I’ll be celebrating my birthday next month, but only for half a minute.
It's my thirty second birthday after all.
If Medusa, King Midas, and Oedipus raised a child together
That would be one stone, gold motherfucker
A husband and wife sit in their bed.
The husband tells his wife; I bet 20$ that you cant say something that will make me happy and sad at the same time. The wife thinks for a second and says: you have the biggest dick out of all your friends.
Can anyone inform me on who invented knock knock jokes ?
They deserve a no bell prize
The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.
She was wearing massive gloves
