Travesty
Oh you millenials with your newfangled talk about this “curbside pickup” concept you “invented” because of Covid…
Well I tell ya, we garbage-men have been doing curbside pickup ever since the 30's. . . . And we didn't need any of your formal training for it neither, we just picked it up as we went along. . . . And get off my lawn!
My friend said that all bartenders are boring, which was a bit cynical in my eyes.
I think they're intoxicating people.
Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that’s ever served me.
With just the tip.
Guy walks into a bar…
"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake… He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. 'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy … do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?' The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No … not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"…
What do you call two oranges rubbing together?
Pulp Friction
Why was the Nickelodeon character Avatar Aang so controversial?
He was trans-bender
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34
They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools
I have a fear of speed bumps
I’m slowly getting over it
Why can’t dyslexics tell jokes?
They always punch up the fuck line
Geology rocks but Geography is where its at.
No text found
Someone accused me of plagiarism….
That's their words, not mine.
If Jesus was real, they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion…
They would call it the crucifact.
Dating a girl that has a child…
… it's like "Continuing" another dude's "Save File".
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention
We were better than The Cure.
People say circumcision doesn’t hurt, but i have to disagree.
I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn’t walk for nearly a year. So check your facts.
I can’t believe someone stole my limbo pole the other day…
I mean, how low can you go?
“Some say Jesus drove a Honda, but didn’t like to talk about it”
"For I did not speak of my own Accord…" – John 12:49
Communism jokes aren’t funny
Unless everyone gets them
I used to hate facial hair.
But then it grew on me.
Set you Wifi password to 244466666
So you can say the password is 123456.
This evening I went for a walk with a beautiful woman.
Then she noticed me, so we went for a run instead.
I made a playlist for hiking!
It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my….Trail Mix.
Would you remarry if I die……
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question…. WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" HUSBAND: "Definitely not!" WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?" HUSBAND: "Of course I do.." WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? " HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again." WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look) HUSBAND: (makes audible groan) WIFE: "Would you live in our house?" HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house." WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?" WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?" HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new." WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do." WIFE: "Would you give her my jewellery?" HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own." WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you? HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times." WIFE: "Would she use my clubs? HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed." WIFE: — silence — HUSBAND: "Shit."
Which differential operator requires the strictest boundary conditions?
The Stern- Liouville operator
“Dad, what is a joke I can post on Reddit to get a lot of upvotes?”
“Hm, that’s a good question, son. I think I have an idea.” “Okay, dad. What is it?” “You should post a story about an old man tying balloons to his house to fly away and a Boy Scout joining him as they float down to South America.” “Why would I post that, dad?” “Because then when people like it, you’ll get a lot of Up votes.”
My family treats me as though I’m a god…
…ignoring my existence until they need something.
I will never make an elevator joke
I refuse to go that level
Old lady sees a news report and calls her husband’s cell-phone
"Honey", she says, "You need to be careful. I just saw that there is a maniac driving the wrong way on the freeway" Husband replies, "A maniac?! There's not just one- there are hundreds of them!!!!!"
How long does a jousting match last?
Until knight fall.
My girlfriend asked me if I’d like a threesome, and who out of her friends I would pick
Apparently I was only supposed to name one, not two
A Chinese guy and an Englishman walk into a bar.
Over the next hour, the Englishman drinks a lot of alcohol and goes out of control. He begins to scream cuss words and annoy everyone in the bar. Just as the bartender is planning to throw him out, the Chinese guy says, "Hi, sorry for bad English"
Why did the fisherman cross the road?
Just for the Halibut
Two hunters lost in the woods
They had been lost for a long time and were both starving. While walking, one of the hunters notices a tree that has thin slices of meat hanging from it. He yells to the other and points towards the tree: "Look, we're saved!!! There's a BACON TREE!!!". He starts running for the tree when all of a sudden a group of armed men appear and start shooting at him. The hunter turns right back and yells at his friend "RUN!!! IT'S NOT A BACON TREE, IT'S A HAM BUSH!!!!"
I’ll never forget the last words my grandpa said to me before he kicked the bucket..
He said, "Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
My friends star sign was cancer and it was quite ironic how he died really
He was attacked by a giant crab
Little Boy: Daddy I want to be like president Trump when i grow up!
Dad: "Well pick one son, you can't do both"
A young boy says to his father “Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you.”
"What happened?" The father asks. "Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' "Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.'' The next day, the boy comes home from school and says, "Dad, have you gone by the school?" "Not yet." "Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also." "Why?" asks the father. "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked, 'What, am I suppose to stand on…. my cock??'" "Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come." The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?" "No, not yet." "Don't bother, I got expelled." Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?" "Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher." "The fuck was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father. "That's what I said!"