Because it’s Tuesday.
Because it's not stroganoff.
Bond. Legal Bond.
First thing he did when I got him home was make a bolt for the door.
… and asked his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car" The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut." The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.” The father responded, "Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"
Where have you been for the last 20 years?
The driver says "get in the car". The kid says "No way!" and keeps walking. The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar!" The kid says "No way. A candy bar won't do it." The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar and twenty bucks!" The kid says "Look Dad, you bought the Volvo, YOU deal with it."
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
When I got home, I realised I didn't even have a coconut.
That's the harvest part.
…but really, watashi no?
A can't opener.
That was quite a rude awakening.
It was an autobiography…
I said," No, it doesn't."
Time to get joggin’ ladies
With a sea saw
I told her it was an ovary action.
The correct term is "Turd World Countries".
Around the world in eighty days.
Husband: Well next time take the car then silly
It’s about time.
She said, “You can’t do this to me!” I said, “I know… that’s why I’m doing it to her.”
He uses them to trim his mustache.
and lowers it
They've begun calling him Kim Jong Un-Responsive
He became trans-parent.
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."
Crows had to drink at home
which is fitting cause I have no idea what DIVOC is going on
Asked the school secretary, filling in the forms at the start of the academic year. "He's a magician," said the small boy. "How interesting! What's his favorite trick? "Sawing people in half." "Really? Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?' "Yes, one half brother and two half-sisters."
Well maybe if it wasn't forced to have such strict requirements it would be more confident.
I can’t believe I missed all the red flags
But I called her Bluff.