Trending challenge bad
Why do gay people keep smiling?
They can’t keep a straight face
Would you like to be a class
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
How many D&D players does it take to change a light bulb?
All of them. Never split the party.
Two lawyers went into a diner and decided to order drinks
They felt hungry after a long day so they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat them. The owner frustratedly marched over and told them, “listen, you're not allowed to eat your own sandwiches in here!” The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, “I’ve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?”
The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."
Why did the console player cross the road?
To render the buildings
It’s called a stain because it’s stay’n.
No text found
With great reflexes…
Comes great response ability.
A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.
When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter. She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station. Finally, she seems to recognize someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?" The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate. The Buddhist Monk replies, "my dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma."
I went to the zoo today and saw some toast in a cage.
It was bread in captivity.
Star Force Trilogy
Why do cumshots drip into belly buttons?
It's sea men trying to get to the navel base.
Actually yes, but no
A man has been stealing wheels of police cars
The police have been working tirelessly to catch him
What if Trump was trans
When I was in Nepal I decided to eat some roadkill. I asked the chef where he got it and
He said “Himalayan on the street.”
Pilot left his microphone on.
After take off pilot accidentally left his microphone on and said to his Co pilot ' Now I just want a cup of coffee and a blowjob'. An air hostess ran to tell him to switch off his microphone. When someone from the passengers shouted 'He asked for a cup of coffee too'.
Is there a way to code and take a break at the same time?
People are so sensitive now-a-days.
People are so sensitive now-a-days. You can’t even say “black paint.” Instead you gotta say,” Jamal, will you please paint the fence?”
I love playing catch with my kids.
But after I dropped one we have to use a ball now.
Finally got one worth contributing to this sub. Got this sent by a coworker.
Why did the tomato lose the race?
Because she couldn't ketchup
Groucho Marx said this in 1957…..Still holds up.
Why did the vegetarian fail his exam?
There were too many missed stakes
First post here be nice
Breaking a leg during an audition…
Ensures that you end up in the cast…
A friend asked me if I knew anything about 1’s and 0’s
I told him I knew a bit
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles.
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
Too many BS papers are slipping through during this pandemic
Gen X vibes
Sounds about right
What’s the difference between the Queen of England and computer cable?
One's a British WASP, the other is a USB.
I set up my thumbprint to unlock my phone
It doesn't work all the time though, I just can't put my finger on it.
“Give it to me now!” She yelled “I’m so wet!”
She can scream all she wants, she’s not getting my fucking umbrella
Who has two thumbs and isn’t afraid of the Chinese Government? This guy.
Edit: 1 thumb Edit:0thumbs
How do you drown a hipster?
You throw him into the mainstream.
A man dies, and wakes up on a beach…
There are girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy. All of a sudden, Satan comes up to him. "Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me." he says. The guy walks along the beach, has a few drinks with a nice girl. He walks over a hill, when he sees a hole in the ground, full with tormented people, flames rising up from the hole. The guy runs towards the beach until he finds Satan. "Hey, I found this hole and all these people are being tormented… What's that about?" "Oh," Satan says, "that´s for the Christians, they want it that way."
Boomer humor in a nutshell
My moms response time for a slap in the face used to be 1ms
and it hertz alot.
Stephen King has a son named Joe
I’m not joking, but he is.
A man gets shipwrecked on a small island.
After a few days wandering, he comes across a tribe of natives who have just lost their chieftain. The tribe's high priest tells the man that as he is the first outsider they have seen in twenty years, he must take three tests. If he passes all three tests, the tribe will accept him as their new chief. "Fair enough," says the man. "Just let me know what the tests are and I'll get right on them." The priest takes him to a clearing with three straw huts in it, turns to the man and explains the tests. "In the first hut, you'll find 20 gallons of our native beer. You must drink all of this to complete this test. In the second hut is a gorilla with a sore tooth. You must pull his tooth and survive to pass this test. In the third hut is the ex-chieftain's daughter. You must make love to her until she can take no more." The man agrees to the tests and begins the first test. Three hours later, he walks out of the hut and goes toward the second hut. The priest asks if he would like to have a rest, but the man says he wants to get all the tests done before he sleeps. He goes into the second hut. After two hours he comes out covered from head to toe in blood and scratches. He turns to the priest and says "Now lead me to the girl with the sore tooth."
Oh MAD magazine, how far you have fallen 😪 (phone bad Santa good)
Back to work!
My therapist told me to write letters about people I hate and burn them.
I did that but now I don’t know what to do with the letters
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.” Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!" Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman." Passenger: "How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."
When I was a child I had many imaginary friends.
They were real people… I just imagined they were my friends.
I once swallowed a dictionary
It gave me thesaurus throat I ever had
Why don’t birds recognize each other?
They are in da skies.
The oyster shucker at Red Lobster is on sick leave…
He pulled a muscle.
I’m so upset! Someone stole my limbo stick!
I mean how low can you go
I’m not super experienced with wood carving.
I only know a whittle.
Now in two colors!
Frontend vs backend
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast
Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?
For Hispanic Attacks
Ferris wheel? 😆
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
A white horse fell in the mud
Do you know what they call the security guards at Samsung?
Guardians of the Galaxy
How does every racist joke start?
With a look over your shoulder
Our president’s rights must be defended
They’re finally making a movie about clocks…
…it's about time.
I chuckled at this
What do you call a careful wolf ?
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.