Trigger my timbers
My neighbor just got arrested for growing weed in his back yard.
Apparently my property line isn’t where I thought it was.
I asked my friend the baker what is the key to being successful in the business and making good bread…
/r/Jokes/comments/fxvl3o/i_asked_my_friend_the_baker_what_is_the_key_to/
Recently took a poll.
99% of people were annoyed when their tent fell down.
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people
But none of them work.
What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday…the rest are weekdays.
Went to the doctors the other day and said ‘ I’m having loads of trouble hearing people when they speak’
Doctor said ‘ right ok. Can you describe the symptoms?’ I said ‘yeah Marge has blue hair and homer is a fat bloke’
What’s the heights of over confidence
. Edit: thank you kind stranger for the Silver!
how does Hitler tie his shoes?
little knotsies
I come from a long line of wood winds, so I was shocked when my daughter said she wanted to be a percussionist
But thinking back, when I checked her instrument case, the cymbals were always there.
I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?
He won the no bell prize.
I can’t believe that even after 15 years of the show ending, people are still making “Friends” references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
I was going to type down a cashier joke
But I didn’t think that would make any cents
I ordered a Chicken and an Egg from Amazon
I'll let you know
I thought my dad spent all his savings on an expensive wig.
But one look and I realised it was a small price toupee.
I just had to breakup with my cross eyed girlfriend
She was seeing other people
If I dont perfect human cloning..
I won't be able to live with myself.
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Special Situations explores nascent opportunities in markets defined by post-moral dynamics. A market is “post-moral” if participants claim to be agnostic about how I’m their products or used, or the consequences of their use, but rely on the product to be used immorally to profit.Each post interviews a founder operating in a post-moral space.Our first interview was with Preston Everblue, founder of Homeroom Homies, who believes prison will be the new college.Homeroom HomiesOur first interview was with Sarah Dermer, founder of Shockly, who believes calibrated shocks delivered through special glasses can encourage self-improvement — within bounds agreed to be corporate partners. ShocklyPlease sign up! [special situations ](specialsituations.substack.com)If you don’t like emails, follow me, Chad Lin, on Twitter @thechadlin.
A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:
BUMP!… BUMP… BUMP… Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog h e makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him FASTER… FASTER… BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping… clappity-BUMP… clappity-BUMP… clappity-BUMP… …on his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket… and, [Wait for it…] The coffin stops.
What kind of bird doesn’t have babies
A swallow
My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping.
…with a really angry bear somewhere close by.
Did you know? The wheel was invented in 3,500 BC.
It caused quite the revolution back then.
A defribilator almost never fails, when it did…
No One was shocked
A teenager is trying to decide where to go to college.
He's stuck at a crossroads between three schools – Harvard, Hampden-Sydney, and Alabama. To try and get some guidance, he asks his father, "Well, what are my chances of getting laid at Harvard?" "Oh, not good at all," his father says. "They're too focused on studying and working to have any fun at all." "What about Hampden-Sydney?" "Well, it's an all guys school, so unless you're into that, I wouldn't be too confident." "Well, Alabama has to have something, right?" "Alabama!" the father says with a chuckle. "Well, at Alabama, I'd say your chances of getting laid are pretty relative!"
My son asked me if I peeked at my presents early this year…
I told him that I had Clausible deniability.
I taught a wolf to meditate
Now it’s aware wolf
The best armor for sneaking is leather armor.
Because it's made of hide
What’s the difference between a Trump voter and a polar bear?
One is a fat, white, mindless killing machine with no conscience or future, and the other is a bear.
The sperm clinic nurse asked me if I’d like to masturbate in a cup
I said I wasn't ready for competitive wanking
A T-Rex walks into a vegan restaurant and is greeted by a girl who said she knew him.
He had never met herbivore.
,,,,,
Chameleon
I snacked on fire ants and now I have heart burn!
Guess I should take an antacid….
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE MATEYYY
EA walks into a bar.
Unlock the punchline for $9.99.